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Cautionary Tale: The Diplomat (2023-)

“I am slow to anger, but I toe the line

As I reckon with the effects of your life on mine

I look back on where I failed

And in every place I checked

The only common thread has been your disrespect.”

-Aaron Burr, Hamilton (2015)

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Boy, I really did not want to be back in this spot again with a show that I used to love, but I am very sad to announce that, in my opinion, The Diplomat slid right the fuck off of the Slippery Slope that I warned them about and plunged into the abyss of horrid, trite, insulting writing and poor decisions directing the ship that should have turned away from the iceberg instead of plowing into it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that The Diplomat has Jumped the Shark.

I hate it every time I have to write these rants, believe it or not. I know most people don’t believe it, but I write this blog post with pure resignation and anger, not joy that I’m bashing a show that I once loved. I know everyone thinks I enjoy tearing things apart, but this is a show I didn’t want to write a post about since I truly did think it used to be bold and subversive for its genre. Sadly, as it often happens, there is rot in the roots that finally made the bad fruit grow and so it’s time for me to cull this show from my life.

That said, I want to leave a warning since I’m hopping off the sinking ship before the violin starts playing. I’m going to discuss what made me depart and why I think the show’s now bound for the iceberg with no chance of turning or saving everyone aboard.

Spoilers for the first four seasons of The Diplomat.

To recap my old post called The Slippery Slope, which is a writing series I have for when movie franchises or shows exhibit signs that they might be headed in a troublesome direction, I got very frustrated with the third season due to them scaling back most of the political drama to concentrate on Kate’s boring and frankly unhealthy romantic relationships. The three relationships are between her husband Hal Wyler, the elegant right hand man to the Prime Minister Austin Dennison, and a new MI6 love interest introduced after a time skip in the third season named Callum Ellis. What grabbed me about the show’s first two seasons is Kate being an interesting and subversive portrayal of a workaholic tomboy who means well and is deeply flawed. It worked perfectly that she has the world’s most sinister yet charming husband who is whip smart but impulsive and doesn’t care about risk if he thinks he has the right answer. The dynamic worked in the first two seasons because Hal is problematic but charming while Austin is a gentleman but a repressed one. Kate had to choose between the unhealthy familiar relationship or a healthy but risky new romance, and in the first two seasons, it’s at least balanced, but by the third, it is painfully clear they either were not interested in Austin or they listened to the whiny fandom on Reddit complaining that they wanted Kate with Hal and not Austin, so Austin was given next to nothing to do in the third season.

What’s more is last season, I was not the only one calling the show out on its now soap opera levels of concentration on the dull problematic romances in Kate’s life. I was regularly checking IMDB every day and reading that viewers said the same thing as me: the show has a sharp decline in the writing between seasons two and three, and oddly enough, the show didn’t change show runners and writers, at least in the main crew, and so it was just baffling how poorly written and unrealistic the third season felt along with the dull relationship drama. I literally mean it—the most repeated phrase in all the negative reviews of the third season is “soap opera” on the IMDB reviews, so I know I am not the only person that noted it had problems that I prayed they’d fix before season four. I even manned the Tropes page myself.

And sadly, all they did was seal off two problems while creating ninety worse ones.

If I had to summarize it, I would say this show tanked due to them listening to the wrong parts of the criticism of the third season and running out of ideas for conflict both professional and personal. I have several theories on why the writing tanked, but I’ll have to try to do some reading to find out if there is any official word. Further proof in the pudding is the decline in viewership, too—season one had a strong opening of eight million viewers, then season two started with 5.6M, and then it shot down to 4.8M and that tells you while the good reviews have insulated their IMDB rating from ever tanking, people noticed the decline in the writing between the first, second, and third seasons based on said views.

Essentially, season 4 attempts a “raze everything to the ground” season in which they kick out a main lead to be replaced with another very white one and remove the characters from their previous positions of power and they then change the entire premise of the show itself. These decisions are new to this show, but not to TV in general. There are a few shows that have a season where the character stops being the title they started the show with or the season just ends in a way to make you think they will stop doing their main job, but then the next season is about getting the job back.

Either way, trust me, y’all fucked this shit up.

Let’s go ahead and dissect this dead fucking pig already.

For the sake of time, I’ll condense the original premise of the show and then expand briefly on what the third season changed. Originally, The Diplomat was about Kate Wyler as Britain’s ambassador, and her manipulative husband Hal Wyler, a fellow ambassador and strategist. They are actually not together, but for her position, they have to pretend to be happily married to fool the world. She has an intelligence officer named Eidra and an aide named Stuart; the two are in a secret romantic relationship that later goes public.

The first two seasons are largely about their team attempting to stop the idiotic bully of a Prime Minister named Trowbridge from starting a war with Russia, but his Man Behind the Man is really Austin Dennison; a reasonable and peaceful right hand man to him who has Unresolved Sexual Tension with Kate. Meanwhile, Billie, the president’s right hand woman, and Stuart are trying to groom Kate for replacing the female vice president Grace Penn that has been tanking lately. Kate doesn’t want the job at first, but as she keeps working, she starts to think she may.

At the end of season two, President Rayburn dies just after Kate and Hal found out that the Vice President Grace suggested the fatal attack of the HMS Courageous that resulted in the death of a hundred British soldiers to Margaret Roylin, Trowbridge’s mentor. Hal told the president Grace made the suggestion and it caused him to have a heart attack and die (but to be fair, he was also in poor health and already old) and so they blame the attack on him since he’s dead and no one but them knows it was Grace and are trying to keep a woman with too few morals from starting a war. Grace chooses Hal as her VP over Kate, which creates resentment between the married couple. Grace’s husband, Todd, also notices Hal’s endless charm and drive and starts to resent their relationship, constantly jealous or feeling neglected by Grace.

The main source of conflict in seasons three and four are that a Russian ship called the Poseidon containing a very bad nuke ran aground of British waters, so Hal and Grace unwisely steal it and don’t tell the Brits, creating animosity and cover ups. Then, Russia pretends it wants to come get its dead soldiers and will find out the Americans stole the bomb, giving them an excuse to declare war or at the very least, attack the US somehow in retaliation. Kate then blackmails Trowbridge when he refuses to help, so he resigns, and the new PM knows he was blackmailed by Kate into resigning, so now she refuses to trust Kate. Grace gets shot by some anonymous angry terrorist, bizarrely with no follow up or even identification of who he is and why he shot her (thanks, plot hole; I’m calling up CinemaSins), and becomes convinced that she must seem “strong” to the UK and Russia, so she makes several stupid demands that make the conflict even worse. Grace stops listening to all counsel and fires Stuart for his dissention cable about her behavior, so Kate, Billie, and the Secretary of Defense Ganon quit at the G7 summit and walk out on her. Hal then walks out on the G7 summit too and is likely going to tell the American people what they have all been doing.

Welcome to Cautionary Tales. Here’s all the shit that The Diplomat did wrong in season 4 that has caused me to quit the show for good.

  1. The utterly callous, stupid, disrespectful exit of Austin Dennison. *exhausted, heavy black fangirl sigh* I am not the least bit surprised that the show’s first huge failure is related to Austin Dennison. I had an inkling from how limp his arc was in the third season that he’d be the first one to get cut if these hack writers ran out of good material and “needed a change.” I am sorry to say this move is not even remotely new. I am used to being a black fangirl watching the sinking ship dump the people of color as fast as it can in attempt to keep fucking floating even though that person of color was instrumental in getting the show the acclaim it currently enjoys. It’s to the point that a newly formed sub-trope of Stuffed Into the Fridge and Disposable Woman is now Disposable Black Woman. These are black female leads or women of color (or in poor Austin’s case, male) leads that are built up to be important, but then are either sidelined in the plot or she has sexual tension with a handsome white lead and is killed off or written off the show and he gets an “appropriately” white female replacement love interest (ex. Sleepy Hollow, Daredevil’s first season, the Reacher series, or Thor: Ragnarok). That’s the role they wound up assigning Austin in the end, and it infuriates me. Austin demonstrated a level of class and restraint that endeared me so much that I actually based a character in my gothic horror romance screenplay on him. Yes, deadass, that’s real. There is a queer black professor supporting character that I picture as David Gyasu due to how distinguished, elegant, and gently authoritative Austin has been on this show. He is so delightfully witty and restrained that even though the kiss in the third season was ill-timed and forced, I still did get just a tiny little sigh of relief seeing this truly honorable man kiss this walking dumpster fire of a woman. I was utterly taken with him, how he has managed to subvert a thousand disasters without resorting to the same low class bullshit as Trowbridge or Kate and Hal. So for that same reason, I already got a bad feeling about his fate at the end of season three when I saw that Austin had so little impact in the third season. I am also sorry to say that I was unaware Austin has haters in the fandom, so it’s possible the nimrods in the writers’ room took that as a sign that it was the best course of action to kill him off-screen and no one would give a shit. Like Foggy in Daredevil Born again, I was unaware he had haters, so finding out after his abrupt death pissed me right the fuck off in addition to the poor writing. I can confidently say Austin’s disrespectful fucking exit from this now fuckass show is the number one reason I quit. Do I know that’s biased? Sure do! Do I care? No. This is why you hear so many of us say that we don’t like it when black people and people of color are the sole characters on a majority white show. We are always the one thrown under the bus so it can keep moving “lighter” without what the white ass writers’ room considers dead weight. The show would not have been what it was without the inclusion of Austin Dennison, and to just kill him off-screen without even a goodbye, without Kate even saying any words about a man she kissed recently or who saved her stupid ass more than once. It tells me they got on Reddit and assumed the people there spoke for the entire fandom, so it’s no trouble to toss this man under the fucking bus without care, assuming the entire fandom won’t mind because they think we all hated him. Fuck you. Sincerely, with my whole chest, The Diplomat writers, because there is a chance one of your little underlings or interns is combing thru the reviews of your 4th season for feedback—FUCK YOU. Black characters are not stepping stones. We are not here for you to put your foot on our backs to get you where you want to go as white leads. This is exactly why Ryan Coogler is who he is and works with whom he works with, as do many other black directors and creators. This season is why we have to be in front of and behind the camera at all times. The death of Austin Dennison is horseshit. I am not saying he should not have died at all. I am saying they killed him in the most disrespectful way possible, not even bothering to let him or his new wife have final scenes, not even letting us say goodbye with anything other than a measly toast in his honor, without any continuance or even completion of a character arc for him. His role has been proven to be nothing more than goddamn performative for a bunch of toxic, privileged white people who can’t even honor his memory for more than five fucking minutes of screentime. This is why I now hope the show fails. You do not get to stand on a black character’s back to reach the ladder and snatch it up behind you so we can’t climb. Austin deserved better. Now, if some time passes and David reveals he asked to be written out for other reasons, I accept it, but I will never accept this show using Austin to get to these rave reviews for two seasons, then tossing him aside like he’s nothing and insisting to us that the erasure of this well written and acted black man was “a necessary evil” for the future of the show. I can think of other shows where they had an unpopular character exit, but not in such a disgraceful way. I can think of ten-thousand fucking things to do with him and Kate, but the show weren’t interested in that, so he just got a disrespectful exit instead. Real classy, assholes.
  2. The utterly callous, stupid, disrespectful firing of Stuart. Again, with Stuart being a dark-skinned black man who is empathetic and caring, I’m not the least bit surprised he got the shaft immediately since this show is in its “raze it all to the ground” phase. Stuart being fired pisses me off for the same reason I mentioned Foggy Nelson from Daredevil above for—he must have a bunch of fucking vocal minority haters that wanted him off the show or the writers just decided the razing would reach him since Kate and them quit anyway. I’m irritated, but between him and Austin, he got less screwed. Stuart is the heart and soul of that office. He sees clearly and he is precise and he gives a damn about doing the job the right way. If this show is indeed trying to become Succession or Billions like I suspect, then I’m not shocked he got the fucking shaft because Billions did the same thing to the only character close to having any virtue named Doherty, and seasons three and four smack of that show. I’m also angry they had him and Eidra have a great breakthrough, then pissed it down their leg by having her flippantly say she’ll keep working there and doesn’t care that Stuart has been fired. Note, also, that these irresponsible, selfish, egotistical dickheads never blame Kate even though she unwisely told him to post the dissention cable. The negative consequences hit Stuart and Eidra, not Kate, who just loses access to a resource. I’m sick and tired of majority white shows shafting the very few minorities on their own shows and always giving their white counterparts more screentime, just like American Gods did before its rightful cancellation. Stuart deserves better, and frankly, another reason I am quitting this show is because I’m sick of Eidra taking advantage of his constant fucking patience with her awful behavior and I want him to move on with someone who actually appreciates him and listens to his worries instead of brushing them off and is willing to compromise and meet him in the middle. I’m sure the writers think that because Kate quit, she’s in the same boat, but I do not agree. They positioned her to be much better off when all of this shit is her fucking fault; she had the experience to have told him not to post the dissention cable at that time and didn’t advise him correctly, so he took the fall.
  3. Constant goddamn cyclical arguments that do not produce any result and just take up fucking screentime. Sweet Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick. If I created a fucking drinking game for the cyclical conversations of the third and fourth seasons, I’d be dead of fucking alcohol poisoning before reaching the halfway point of either one. The arguments in seasons one or two revealed things about character or their professional relationships. The arguments in the third and fourth seasons just fucking spin wheels and waste the audience’s time. I know that this show is attempting the Sorkin vibes of West Wing, which I never saw, but I am very sure they are doing it incorrectly. For instance, Todd, Grace’s useless husband, only has two scenes the entire two third and fourth seasons. It is his job to either sit around being a sad sack who can’t support his wife and get a goddamn fucking life or it is his job to be an annoying chore that makes a mistake that makes Kate’s life worse. Two scenes! No more! Picture every time it cuts back to him and he is only doing one or the other or both. Tell me how fast you’d lose your goddamn fucking patience with this character doing it over…and over…and over again. I have no idea why the actor didn’t call it out or maybe they told him to shut up, but either way, Todd’s the most useless lump of tofu to ever set foot on this show. I’m not actually angry at him—it’s not his fault! Genuinely, it’s not. This is sheer writing incompetence. What’s insulting is I as a writer can tell you all kinds of shit we should’ve done with him, but the main issue is the show knew it ran out of ideas, so it just jammed this man into position for easy padding. He pads this entire season out with his two boring scenes until you want to rip your hair out, and sadly, it’s not just him. Kate and Hal and then Todd and Grace have the same argument ten-thousand times over the course of both seasons three and four, and by the time season four is over, I hate every single person involved for being so toxic that they pretend couples’ therapy and just general therapy does not exist. I am so sick of how this show portrays these toxic motherfuckers as being right all the time. There is a huge difference between self-righteous and being right. The show used to know the difference. It does not any longer.
  4. They finished making Kate and Hal, and their subsequent marriage, unlikable as all hell from lack of accountability and constant hypocritical entitlement. As I said in my Slippery Slope post, originally, this show knew the exact balance between making Kate and Hal toxic but funny and charming. Again, in that post, I said I was not surprised the bubble burst since it was already balancing on a pin’s head, but the sadder part is that at first, they fixed the Kate/Hal ship in season four, and then just ran it aground again thanks to lack of fucking originality. This season, they finally stop sniping at each other and Kate promises to stop blaming Hal for their marriage failing, taking on the burden of apologizing and trying to meet him in the middle. They still argue constantly, but she started to compromise more, which she needed to do. Then, she proceeds to use his own manipulation tactic on him—which, mind you, he’s done for all ten years of their marriage—and she picks the worst moment ever to then reveal she lied to Grace about informing the PM of their two options for the Poseidon and she now needs Hal to clean up her mess. What angers me is in the past, they have both genuinely made mistakes and said sorry and then made a new plan to fix the issue. This time, Hal just goes off the deep end accusing her of manipulating him, even being a hypocrite by saying that she should’ve left him for lying in their past marriage. I couldn’t believe I watched that grown man throw a tantrum that he got his just desserts at the worst possible moment. It was appalling to see the show take his side and act like his anger was justified when he dragged her through the mud for over a decade, then becomes a cry baby when she does it to him. It’s so disappointing to see them make him do a 180 because of their own constant indecision about this marriage and due to the Moonlighting Curse (for you yoots, that’s the show Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd used to be on together where the only draw of the show was waiting to see if they fucked and when they finally did, everyone stopped watching the show, so it came to be called The Moonlighting Curse for decades). Kate and Hal have always been toxic, but the show used to balance their arguing with very sweet, sentimental scenes. Kate’s assessment is correct—the two of them are very high highs and very low lows, but the show never stooped this low before and it shows. There is no reason the show won’t commit to whether or not it wants these two egotistical, self-righteous shit-heels together or not and everyone’s tired of the ping pong nature of it. I’m walking out, but I still say pick a fucking lane and fucking stay there. Either you want them to be endgame or you don’t. Everyone’s tired of you never choosing a side. I also think people are tired of seeing how toxic they behave, yet never get punished for it and often get other people like Eidra in trouble with their actions. In the first two seasons, I’d see Hal and Kate making risky decisions, but it was easy to see the result was beneficial. By now, no way. This show is now about the ego of the two of them and who gets to be more “right” about whatever they’re doing with the president. It’s also not good enough for them? They also have to always prove they were right. It stopped being about patriotism by the end of the third season, and that’s a shame.
  5. Kate and Eidra both are now basically just men with tits, and I’m sick and tired of it. We actually had a panel about this very same subject at the most recent Multiverse Con, and I wanted to be on that panel because I would’ve used Kate and Eidra as my examples. At first, no, Kate was not just a male-coded character with a female visage. Kate was a tomboy who hated procedure, but played nice to get the job done and protect the American people. I will argue that Eidra has been a dude with tits this entire show, but I personally felt the actress elevated the part anyway with her comedic timing and the brief vulnerable moments Eidra has during the show. By now, I can safely say they are both victims of being male-coded “female” characters because they behave the same way an arrogant white man would, but the words are just coming out of a woman’s mouth instead. The reason why is Hal and Stuart both are serving the “stereotypical female” role in both romances: they are the only ones willing to sit down and have the hard conversation about fixing the relationship and being emotionally open with their partner. Kate and Eidra both dismiss their partners’ feelings constantly, then get offended when they aren’t transparent with them or get impatient that their feelings are hurt. Both of them act like the man being upset is an inconvenience and constantly expect to be forgiven and the issue forgotten for the sake of convenience so they do not have work on themselves or change. Do you know what that is, kiddos? That’s the groundwork for emotional abuse. To never repair anything and just keep asking for chances is the sign of a bad fucking relationship, and a very toxic one. Female characters, like all characters, require nuance, and both of them have stopped having it at all. They just demand their men meet their needs without them moving barely an inch and it’s “my way or the highway.” That’s incredibly selfish and unhealthy, and the fact that people this smart refuse to go to therapy just makes them seem even worse. Look at how harsh they are with one another and how they seldom apologize. The fact that the show normalizes it is frankly kind of gross. I would never want to be around people who are this harsh to one another without ever apologizing and changing their behavior, but I’ll explain more below.
  6. The continued Captain Obvious decisions where they think the solution to a problem is something that has a 100% fail rate, yet the show behaves as if it’s a good choice or the only right choice. This reason is slightly nitpicky, but it opens into a larger problem. After the excellent second season, it drives me nuts that it took them the entire third and fourth seasons to come up with the plan where they pretend the British Navy would collect the bodies from the Poseidon instead and hand them off to Russia, meaning Russia would never even see the sub and know the nuke was confiscated by the US. It pisses me off that they did not decide to sink and seal up the Poseidon in the 3rd season the second they found it there using the British Navy. It feels very much like someone in the writers’ room didn’t figure out the solution to the problem until the last possible second, so that’s why it isn’t even said until the end of the season when now, the problem has escalated. The same thing happens again here. They have a subplot where they accidentally send a budget that is too small to sink the sub that the Brits don’t know does not contain the actual nuke that the US stole. Kate just needs to up the budget and Grace is aware they are hiding the truth, yet she refuses the budget increase and lets the entire negotiation breakdown, exposing herself in the process. What??? You are the fucking president and this is how you cover up a career-ending cover up. Why would you refuse the easier, more discreet fucking solution and pick one that puts ten times more attention on what you’ve done? Oh, I know! Lazy writing! I should not feel smarter than characters who I know are smarter and more experienced than me, and the show is either dumbing it down for the masses to try and get wider numbers (a fool’s errand for a show like this one) or they just ran out of Think Juice ™ and dragged the issue out to fit the episode order when it should’ve been introduced and considered way earlier than it is. Both season 3 and 4 have constant manufactured conflict and forced bullshit to spin wheels and waste time to get to the episode order length, and this frustrating element of the show is not going away. Grace should be taking every quiet solution that she and Hal created by stealing the sub for no goddamn reason when sinking it or getting the British to bring the bodies off is a better choice that preserves what she needs. However, since it’s likely they are setting the show up to be one with a “topple the corrupt leader in charge” plotline for its new story, then that’s why she just dug her heels in even though it does the opposite of what she wants.
  7. As someone who is neurospicy, this show’s portrayal of emotional abuse now feels toxic as fuck and I don’t want to stand by it any longer. I’m fully aware that I’m an empath who has to maintain her own emotions, but this show’s now endorsing toxic behavior and refusing to acknowledge the existence of therapy that every single character on this show badly needs. I’m not okay with it. The show used to shine a lens on Kate and Hal and made it clear they are toxic, but they do actually love and support each other as well as their team, and they have the world’s safety in mind even as they do scummy things. By now, no. This is now two emotionally abusive people who need to “prove” to Grace and Todd that they are right and the two of them and everyone else is wrong. I didn’t sign up for that shit. I didn’t sign up to watch two abusive narcissists stomp around demanding that everyone obey them instead of the leader of the free world. It’d be fine if the show was trying to point out that it should never reach this point, but in general, the show has this ugly tone that Kate is always right and everyone should worship at her altar instead of admitting she’s a self-righteous Ambassador Karen who has to be right all the time, can’t apologize, can’t appreciate the sacrifices others make, and is ultimately a selfish human being who wants to stay in power as she thinks she has all the answers. Kate didn’t start out that way, but she’s now there. You don’t get to lie to the president and insist you know better; that’s an act of treason even with her compromised. I do not mean Kate should have followed the blind orders of a corrupt president; she lied and then tried to make Hal save her own skin after she made the decision without consulting him first. Kate knew that Hal would have no choice but to help since her lie put him on the chopping block too. The show then continues behaving as if she is in the right and she’s fucking not, because none of these terrible people but for Eidra and Stuart are anywhere close to being in the right on the issue. I cannot stand by a show that lets these people stomp around making demands, refusing to apologize, refusing to admit they made mistakes, and avoid changing their behavior to treat everyone around them fairly. I know politics is a place for vicious behavior, but the show is condoning their very not okay behavior and pretending like therapy is not sitting right there to help these assholes stop abusing everyone around them. Kate and Hal can argue all day, but they need a fucking marriage counselor. They say deeply harsh and harmful shit and normalize it, and we live in a country being torn apart thanks to lack of fucking empathy. I no longer want to endorse a show where no one calls these dickheads out for the abuse.

I’m very sad to sunset this show. I found my tribe with Kate for a while, especially since if there’d ever be a man interested in dating me, he’d be a lot like Hal. I hate to say goodbye, but there is no coming back from the cliché storm bullshit in seasons three and four. It went off the Slippery Slope and became a Cautionary Tale instead, so let’s get to the caution part of this post.

How do we stop this shit from happening to another good show like The Diplomat in the future?

  1. Stop treating people of color like goddamn fucking stepping stones. Austin and Stuart made this show what it is. Without them, you are spending six to eight hours with ass clowns who wouldn’t know mental health if it sat on their face and shat down their throats. Give them respectful writing and value them as characters to round out your white cast.
  2. Put people of color in the goddamn writers’ room so they will call you out on your blind spots and other bullshit you write in a majority white space. Austin’s exit may or may not be due to being a man of color or the actor departing or the criticism of season three, but whatever it is, the show runners should not have shoved him out of a show he helped build so hastily and with zero respect to the people like me who liked him. You wrote him. You owe him an obligation to at least allow him a shred of fucking dignity in his last appearance. Put black people in front of and behind your damn cameras or else you’ll end up write frustrating bullshit that angers the black fandom. It is so hard for us to get a win anywhere in any genre, so don’t help adding bad examples. Do the work. Find the right writers. Respect black writers and black characters.
  3. Stop writing “men with tits” characters in general, but definitely in political dramas. Fuck Kate’s entire Karen act in seasons three and four, and fuck the writers’ lack of self-awareness of what an egotistical Karen she is to everyone around her. She is walking White Privilege, and it’s sad that it came to that with such a great character. Hold white women accountable and stop letting them tread on women of color like Eidra as Kate did in previous seasons. Stop writing dismissive women who make the men the “malewife” to their “girlboss” but without being respectful of their feelings, patience, and their relationship in general. No one should be doing all the work in a relationship. You split the work, you say you’re sorry when you mess up, you cop to it when you make mistakes, and you change your harmful behavior or you leave the person so you don’t hurt them. I am so sick of how awful these people behave, yet expect endless patience and trust from everyone around them without giving any in return. It feels very narcissistic in the end and I’m doubtful that was their intention.
  4. If you do not have the plot and story for multiple seasons, quit while you’re ahead. I’ve seen several reviewers state the show should’ve ended at the end of season two and I would like to take on part of the argument. I think what would have saved the show is the third season is about Hal as VP, but Grace’s shooting happens at the end of the season and she dies instead of recovering. Hal is now president of the United States, and Todd is now a widower, struggling to accept his wife’s murder and trying to preserve her agenda and avenge her as a last act of devotion from a grieving husband, stepping out of the sad sack routine to become a secondary antagonist who means well, but doesn’t see he’s being harmful due to being blinded by grief. I think Hal as president would be a good trajectory for them before they ruined everything in that third season and I would’ve had Kate make the final choice between him and Austin, then have her choose Hal and let Austin sunset if the actor wanted to leave with Kate becoming First Lady and no longer the Diplomat/Ambassador. I’m not saying it’s perfect, but that, to me, is smoother sailing and less problematic. I do not think they planned this show past season two, even if they say otherwise. It feels very much like the first two seasons were The Matrix, and seasons 3 and 4 were Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions (to be fair, I don’t hate these sequels the way most people do, but I do admit they are inferior and bogged down with too much bad writing) and that’s why I’m hopping off the sinking ship. I hate showing up to a show that feels like it was not planned for longevity. They should have stopped while they were ahead and gone out on top. But money, dear boy. Always the money…

I am sorry to say goodbye to yet another show that I used to love, but life is disappointing and I have to accept it. Onward and upward. I wish it hadn’t come to this, but here we are. I hope someone learns a lesson, and hell, if the Diplomat intern I referenced before has actually read the entire post—for the love of God, for the good of the people who won’t quit this show, listen to the concerns raised here even if they insist the fandom all hated Austin and Stuart and everything else is now fixed with them yeeted. That is my final wish for anyone who wants to keep watching. Do it for them.

I have the honor to be your obedient servant,

K. dot M

Cautionary Tale: Red One

There are times that I find myself confused as an elder god millennial, and guys, I have to admit that I am highly confused by the bizarre film that I saw a couple of weekends ago in theaters.

By now, Red One has a reputation, and it should. It is one of the most baffling misfires that I’ve seen personally in a long time, and frankly, we haven’t seen a misfire on this scale since about Madame Web. Now, granted, we have still had some movies fail that didn’t expect to fail after the actors/writers strike of last year, but Red One is a slam dunk that somehow was the most pathetically lazy showing of The Rock’s career, which is saying something considering– *points to his last at least 7 films* So I decided this movie would be a great subject for a highly confused Cautionary Tale segment. I mean, at least this time I’m not angry? Yay?

Just in case you haven’t heard, Red One is a Christmas action-adventure film (or it’s supposed to be one) that stars The Rock (and no, I will NEVER call him Dwayne Johnson even though I know this man wants me to call him Dwayne Johnson; I’m a millennial and we hate change, so I’m gonna call him The Rock until I die.), Chris Evans, Lucy Liu, and JK Simmons along with a couple familiar faces like Nick Kroll and that big-headed girl from the Sabrina Netflix remake (whom I personally know as the snotty little BD Merrill from Feud: Bette and Joan, amusingly enough.) It originally was gonna be a Netflix movie, but for reasons I have yet to fathom, they released it in theaters (though most likely, the bloated budget made them have to try for theater money despite this movie being so low effort it could only have been made by Netflix). And by the way, that is a longer conversation America desperately needs to have with every single studio and streaming channel. We need to talk about the fact that we’ve had several films in the last few years that should’ve been streaming (Abigail, 65, Cocaine Bear) instead of released in theaters in order to be moderately successful, and then we’ve had some movies that SHOULD have been released in theaters but weren’t (both Extraction films as well as Prey aka that Predator movie with the Comanche warriors). I think Red One is just an entry in a long list of streaming and theater films in which nobody at all understood the assignment. Somehow.

I say somehow because seriously, who messes up “The Rock and Chris Evans save Christmas”?

Well, sadly, Red One figured out how.

Before I dive into the mess, I’ll give you a short version of the story itself. Odds are you skipped this movie and for good reason, but let me make the following disclaimer: I in no way hate this film nor do I think it’s a bad film. It’s just aggressively fucking lazy. And I’ll be honest—I have no proof but I also think this was an AI-generated script. I’ll explain below, but for now, spoilers for the events of Red One.

In Red One, Santa Claus (JK Simmons) and pretty much most mythological creatures are real, but they naturally just hide from the modern world at large under the umbrella of a global off the books type of outfit that maintains public safety and maintains these magical creatures. Santa Claus’ bodyguard, Cal Drift (The Rock), is handing in his resignation letter after 500 years of service. Why? Oh, he has good reason—everyone sucks now. Just so much. This is basically the only part of the movie they got right—Cal’s cynicism is ungodly accurate, and I say that as a former retail worker of almost 10 fucking years. I also say that as someone forced to delivery groceries for extra money. Everyone fucking sucks, and even though I know this movie was filmed between 2022 and 2023 and had no idea the results of the election, it’s also now painfully timely that Cal notes that every adult in the world is a sack of shit and he’s tired of providing for them knowing they all suck. Santa is saddened, but accepts his resignation, but quite literally ONE SCENE LATER, Santa is kidnapped. Cal and his people note that a suspicious activity clue links to a guy named Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans), who is allegedly the best tracker in the world. They interrogate him and find out all he did was locate Christmas Town, but he has no idea who hired him nor does he have any other clues, so they resolve to use him as a link to investigate and save Santa before he’s either killed or there is no Christmas that year for them.

Now, again, on paper, that sounds fine. Just a cut and dry buddy cop format—a stoic bodyguard forced to work with a cynical thief, gambler, and deadbeat dad, to save Christmas. Again, winning formula, and I have no complaints about the premise.

The problem is this movie absolutely bungles every single part of it.

And I mean…every. Single. Part. Of. It.

And frankly? I’m not sure why.

So what doesn’t work about it, you ask? Well, since I’ve had a few weeks to think it over, I’ve boiled it down to a few issues. I’m not aware if anyone involved in the film has explained anything about its production or its poor box office performance, so this is just my own musings, nothing backed up by an interview or a quote.

First off, it was a mistake to pick this role for Chris Evans. Not that Chris Evans couldn’t do it. Chris Evans has more than shown us he has incredible range as an actor, and I genuinely mean that. He has shown us he can do serious work, comedic work, action, romance, and every genre in between. He’s not let himself get pigeonholed like he did in the early 2000s where he was kinda just “that hot guy in mediocre movies” until he got his big break with Captain America and has been kicking ass on the silver screen ever since. And that’s part of my massive disappointment here. I love Chris Evans to death. The man gives great hugs and he’s uber talented. The problem is that Red One was probably made by the same fucking AI-generator as Red Notice, that utterly lame and forgettable big budget Netflix film with, who else: The Rock, Ryan Reynolds, and Gal Gadot. These movies are painfully similar in premise and execution, but the difference is that while Red Notice sucked ass, Ryan Reynolds was GENUINELY trying to be funny, and he was successful half of the time. Even though that movie sucks, Reynolds was able to claw his way out of that terrible script and found just a handful of funny moments to help us get through it.

And sadly, Chris Evans ain’t get that chance here. Boy, did he not.

Pretty much every single thing out of his mouth in this film is a cliché of some sort, whether it’s an old cliché or a new one. I cannot identify a single original thought anywhere in this film, and that’s insane considering Evans has wonderful comedic timing. I mean that—not just scripts. If you’re a fan, you know very well that Chris Evans is a big fat fucking goober in real life. He’s silly and insecure and sweet and just an all around fun person, so it makes no sense to me that Jack O’Malley is such a generic character that not even Evans’ natural fucking charm could make the character work. He has nothing to do. It’s just a miscasting of titanic proportions, not because he’s not right for a buddy cop movie with the Rock; it’s that they made this character so bland that even his performance couldn’t make it better. It’s a lot like how Disney totally misused him in Lightyear by making the “real” Buzz a dull, generic character. It’s just so generic he might as well be a talking bowl of oatmeal. There’s nothing for him to bite into at all, and that just makes me so sad because they had to have told him not to improv to make the movie funnier and they must have told The Rock the same thing.  And boy, was that a mistake.

Second off, it was a mistake to pick this performance for The Rock. Now, I’m not stupid. The Rock is not a good actor; the Rock is an entertaining actor. By about Jumanji II time, the Rock figured out his career. He knows that he can do exactly two things in every movie: be a stoic guy or be his actual personality, which is a funny, charming, witty guy with a big heart. And that’s literally okay. I can name several actors and actresses that play the same role 1000x because we like it and it’s fine. (Ex. Bruce Willis is the same dude in everything and none of us care ‘cause he’s FUCKIN’ COOL) But deciding to make Chris Evans the mouthy one and the Rock the Straight Man? MIIIIIIIIIIIIISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE! It was PAINFUL. Watching The Rock do his Straight Man bit after I’ve seen him do great comedic work like Be Cool (shut up, I love that movie, and it’s way better than Get Shorty COME AT ME SCRUBLORDS I AM RIPPED) or The Rundown made me sigh. Look, I get it. You can’t have two mouthy main leads or you end up with that horrible Predator sequel that had Key in it (I shit you not, the entire film was nothing but comedic sidekicks except they were all main leads; it is even worse than you think it is), but at the same time, this was NOT the time to make The Rock do his Straight Man routine. Cal is having a crisis of conscience; not his own, but that he thinks every adult is a POS and he doesn’t want to make them happy anymore. And I’m not saying we needed him to be quippy and sarcastic. He has no personality. He’s just Tough Guy ™. We learn NOTHING about him. We don’t know how he got the job, what kind of entity he is (we know he’s not human since he’s worked for Nick for 500 years and he’s also very fast and strong, does more than a human can do), how long he’ll live for, how long he’s already lived for, how he got to work for Santa, just NOTHING! A big bowl of nothing! And I think it’s because someone told the AI “do not have a single scene of exposition” and it listened. We needed to know more but because the film’s focus is on these over-done action sequences (that by the way, look fake as shit and they need to fire that SFX company), almost nothing about Cal’s arc feels satisfying by the end. It was the wrong call to ask him not to insert his natural charm into the movie, same as Evans’, and the film suffers massively for it.

Third of all…and I can’t believe I’m about to say this about a fucking Christmas movie…it’s too goddamn serious. I mean it. All of the advertising made this film look like a funny, tongue in cheek romp. Well, guess what? You get there, sit down, and the movie proceeds to take itself as seriously as Leon: The Professional for a whole sixty percent of the story. WHO ASKED FOR THAT?! Did the trailer’s editor just think he had to sell the movie to us this way or we wouldn’t go? It’s a complete 180 from what was advertised to us, so not only are you sitting through dry, cliché dialogue, the movie can’t even brighten up with a joke for more than half of its running time. It is a decision that still baffles me to this very day. I’m not saying every Christmas movie needs to be a comedy and not have serious moments. I’m just saying this shit was borderline false advertising. I kept throwing my hands up as I sat in the theater because every five minutes, the movie would act like it was a serious affair and I should care about these people even though it gave me no reason to care about them. The movie is so tone deaf and it has no idea what the mood is from scene to scene. It can’t focus worth a damn on its own message.

Fourth of all, the “no exposition” rule crippled the film. Not only do they not explain what the mythical entity agency is and does, they don’t explain fuckall about anything else in the movie. They must have been told no exposition because they don’t even do it in spots where we actually need it. Again, I get it. Nobody likes exposition dumps, and yes, you as a modern screenwriter should be finding clever ways to fill the audience in without dumping it, but not doing it at all is fucking dumb. Why? Because it means your audience has no idea what the stakes are and what can or cannot be done inside of your magic system. The reason you set up rules and limitations is so when we encounter a problem, we don’t immediately assume it can be resolved no problem with magic. Hell, it was one of the leading issues with the Harry Potter books—so many people pointed out plotholes that neither JK nor the story wanted to explain away with magic. Here, we don’t know what Cal can and cannot do or if he can even die or what his abilities are and the exposition would have made that clear. Same as how there is a huge plot hole in the third act where Jack and his son quite literally luck their way out of a problem. And the lack of exposition also made the villain’s defeat confusing as hell (i.e. If touching the globes made her go into one, did she never pick one up after they were made? Did it only work because she fell into hundreds of them? If she has one nice moment with another person, is it going to easily let her out? COME ON MOVIE ANSWER ME.) There are just too many scenes where I had a question that the movie should have already answered, but didn’t possibly due to some kind of anti-exposition edict.

Fifth of all, JK Simmons and Lucy Liu were completely underused, and they were part of why I even went to the film. JK Simmons has more than proven that like Chris Evans, he has a ton of range, so making him an AND credit sucked big time. Lucy Liu is barely given time too, only being their handler and getting one damn fight scene. Ugh. What a stupid decision. I’d much rather watch them than another CGI-soaked soundstage action scene.

Sixth and finally, the dialogue very much reads like (1) it was AI generated and (2) someone was gonna go back through the draft to punch up the jokes, but ran out of time and never did. I mean it. There are so many moments in the film where it looks like the script says “insert funny line here later” and it makes everything feel so stilted and unnatural as a result. The characters say things no one in their right mind would say; again, why I think it was written by AI. It’s just constant clichés said without a wink or a nod or anything at all. Even the “save Christmas” scene that is supposed to be funny is instead very, very awkward and unnatural. I laughed three times in a two hour movie, people. And the people around me weren’t really laughing much either. It’s just so lazy. It has nothing to say. The characters might as well be walking around jabbering like those Sims characters.

So what can we learn from Red One shitting the bed?

AI should not be writing your damn script. Yeah, I get it, it’s easy and it’s free, but screw you if you want to be a writer and you’re using AI to do the entire thing. It should be a jumping off point or a resource for ideas, not the apparatus with which you make art that you expect to be paid for. Do the damn work and stop relying on AI theft to put your screenplay together.

Know how to cast your movie accordingly. I really think The Rock and Chris Evans could have been so fun together had this not been a lazy, lifeless script too concerned with action and lack of exposition. They should have asked them both to improv here or there to get the dialogue more natural-sounding and to punch up the simple plot. I hope they someday decide to team up again in a much better film; the chemistry is there, but the film just didn’t use it. This script is so generic you could put anyone in those roles and it wouldn’t be any more appealing.

Pick a consistent tone between your film and the trailers. I’m still mad about how serious a movie about saving Christmas had to be. It’s just so needless. If this movie had been as campy as the trailer, we could’ve hit a homerun. Pretty much all the action and camp are in the trailer; the rest of the film is painfully serious, which makes no sense considering it’s also so generic and bland. To be fair, this problem is also not unique to Red One. Hollywood in general needs to stop editing trailers to be misleading and should be fined when they do it, if you ask me. If you made a serious movie, then make a serious trailer. If you made a silly movie, then make a silly trailer. It’s not hard, okay? Just get specific so you attract the right person to the right movie. If you don’t, the wrong person sees it and blasts you on social media and through Word of Mouth, which costs you money.

Don’t rely completely on your casting and make sure you’re still delivering a satisfying story. I can tell they thought this up before The Rock’s career started to decline, which it did around 2020 and around the time Black Adam bombed. By the time they were filming, he’d done a ton of damage to his career by picking shitty films and then getting a reputation for being egotistical and unprofessional. I’m personally hurt to hear that as I’d been rooting for him since after The Rundown, but unfortunately, he’s been spiraling and he took this movie down with him in some ways. The public has been disinterested in him since Black Adam and Chris Evans’ post Captain America career, while fine, hasn’t been headliner movies, so his popularity wasn’t enough to put butts in seats for $15 a person.

Know the difference between a streaming quality movie and a theater quality movie. Covid changed how we see movies. Some people learned patience and are fine with a movie coming to home release sooner since they no longer want to risk covid just for entertainment. These studios need to start paying better attention to their content. It should’ve stayed a streaming movie. I’m mad I spent the money on something so generic and I’m probably not the only one. The people are showing you what they consider worth a trip to the theater. For example, Moana 2 opened very well at the box office and that’s a smart move by Disney, especially since she was coming up on her 10 year anniversary in 2026. Red One should have stayed on Netflix given its lazy writing and lackluster effects, but it didn’t, so now it’s also a box office bomb and critically panned. If it had simply been streaming only, sure, we’d have pointed out all this same stuff, but we also would be less harsh because it meant we didn’t pay $15-30 to see it. Seeing a lousy movie for free or streaming price versus theater prices is now a thing. You better make a good movie or we will get on social media and blast your ass apart. They need to look at these reviews and pay attention to why it didn’t perform despite all the A list stars attached and the simple but likable premise.

If anything, I just hope they learn that there are only so many lazy films that will turn a profit. You have to stop being so lazy and bother to care about story and character, especially now that people have so many options for entertainment. Star power isn’t everything. It’s just a piece of the pie. So y’all better learn how to bake better or you’re gonna go out of business.

Cautionary Tale: Agatha All Along

Like most people, I don’t fucking appreciate it when someone wastes my time.

To preface this Cautionary Tale episode, I will say that I am among the minority in terms of how I feel about the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I disagree with people that claim everything went downhill after Avengers: Endgame. I in fact vehemently disagree. I think the company itself has had issues with quality control for certain– *stares motherfuckerly at Ant Man 2, Loki seasons 1 and 2, Thor 4, Doctor Strange 2, and Secret Invasion* –but I don’t think they’re hacks and I don’t think everything after Phase 3 was crap. I think they simply lost the thread and need to get back on track for consistently good material instead of this wild variation between good and crap.

Well, I can say with full confidence that if they ever make another show as bad as Agatha All Along, then the people who hate the MCU are going to have a lot of future material to complain about. And I might join them at that point.

For those who don’t know, I’ll do a brief recap of the premise of what led us up to the “story” in Agatha All Along. From this point forward, I will be spoiling the events of WandaVision and Agatha All Along as well as Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, so if you’re behind on those works, you may want to come back after you’ve seen them.

In WandaVision, Wanda basically snapped after finding out the government took Vision’s body after he was murdered in Infinity War and were essentially trying to reconstruct him. They were unsuccessful, to a point, so she now has confirmation the love of her life is gone forever. She was crushed to come back to life after Endgame and find him gone forever, and in her grief, she created a Hex that created an alternate reality that trapped a very small town of people inside her delusional fantasy in which Vision was alive and well and she had twin boys and a picturesque life that was modeled after her favorite sitcoms growing up. Over the course of the show, she eventually becomes cognizant of what she’s done and she finally resolves to undo it all. She destroys the Hex and returns all the citizens to their normal lives except for Agatha Harkness, who turned out to be an evil witch that got close to try and steal Wanda’s powers. They have a fight and Wanda curses Agatha to not remember who she is and instead lets her live a pretend life in Westview. The events of Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness then occur and then this show picks up sometime after that has already gone down.

Agatha All Along picks up with Agatha still under Wanda’s spell, but a boy named Teen breaks her out of it and asks her to take him to The Witches’ Road. The Witches’ Road is a mythical alternate reality or dimension in which you are tested by several trials and if you get through them all alive, you will win the prize, which is anything that you desire, sort of like a wish at the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. In the MCU, Agatha Harkness has been rumored to be the only witch that ever made it to the end of The Road, but she was bound by Wanda and can’t use her powers, so she agrees to take Teen on the road so she can get her powers back, but they have to gather a coven first to summon it. They recruit a few other witches and the summon the Road, but they also have the Salem 7, a coven of witches that hate Agatha, and Rio, a psychotic killer witch that also hates Agatha, on their heels. They have to pass every trial alive in order to get what each of them seeks at the end.

Now, that sounds fine, right? A little convoluted, but fine. So why is Agatha All Along the subject of yet another blog post of Cautionary Tales from me?

Because I fucking hate it when a work of fiction wastes my fucking time.

Prior to the final two episodes of Agatha All Along, I was actually enjoying myself. It was nothing groundbreaking, but it held my attention and had an interesting cast. In particular, I felt Ellie and Lily were by far the best acted and written characters in the small coven. They were competent and layered characters who directly contributed to passing some of the trials on The Road. Over the course of the trials, they both die trying to save someone: Ellie dies trying to save Agatha, who absorbs her power and kills her, and Lily dies killing the Salem 7 when they come after them. It was immensely sad to see them go, but they both were fantastic characters with meaty roles, so I accepted it.

And then the last two fucking episodes happened.

To spoil, Agatha, Rio, and Teen—who turns out to be the soul of Wanda’s son Billy inhabiting a new body after the person died right when the Hex closed—have a showdown and Agatha finally lets Rio, who it turns out is really Death, kill her at last, sparing Billy’s life since they made a deal that one of them had to die. Agatha comes back as a ghost and Billy then realizes The Road was not real. Instead, what Agatha did back when she was alive in the 1700s is make up the Road to lure unsuspecting witches and steal their power and murder them all so she can have all their powers. She killed thousands of witches for centuries with this stupid fucking con. When Billy came to her, his reality warping powers that Wanda had basically made The Road real without him knowing it.

Anyone with half a brain should now be able to tell why the hell I’m so fucking angry.

The entire show was POINTLESS.

Ellie and Lily died…for nothing.

Not only did they die for nothing…they died to advance the fucking story of a fucking white woman who is a fucking mass murderer.

And the show proceeds to reward Agatha for this by letting her come back as a ghost, meanwhile the two of them had to die and go to the afterlife.

Oh, and the only black witch? She got no backstory while everyone else there got a backstory.

Again, no one reading this should be surprised that the ending of this show ENRAGED me.

How. Dare. You.

How dare you make a twist that not only trivializes the deaths of two minorities over a white woman who is a mass murderer, but how dare you then do it JUST TO DO IT. The twist does not enhance anything. All it does is subvert your expectations in an incredibly negative way. Instead of tying together ANYTHING in the previous episodes, the final two episodes of Agatha All Along take an interesting story about power, death, and the ambiguous nature of seeking power and turns into a cheap, knockoff M. Night Shymalan production.

I fiercely argue this is not an opinion, too. This is bad writing.

Do you want proof?

Fine. Here are ALL the things that have NO fucking payoff from this series with the “twist” ending that the fucking Road was never real and only Billy made it real:

-Jen’s character arc is completely unfinished. Choosing not to show us her backstory, how she was bound, why she wants power, how she survived through the centuries without it, completely makes this an Aborted Arc. Jen living at the end of the show doesn’t mean shit. You don’t get to go “oh, well, maybe if this show does well, she’ll get a spinoff and we’ll finish her arc then.” NO. If you introduced her arc and you did not finish it in this work, you have FAILED as a writer. That is not how this works. I don’t care that this is an episodic thing. You introduce it, then you fucking tie it off.

-The Salem 7 were built up as sooooo scary and contributed NOTHING to the story. They never fight them, they never trap them, and no one ever explains who they are and why only NOW they somehow found Agatha again when she’s been around in the MCU for God knows how fucking long. They die in an anticlimax after a beautiful sacrifice by Lily. Why in God’s name did you bother to even put them in? They serve NO purpose! They never catch them or hurt them or do anything at all!

-Sharon Davis, the cutesy neighbor, again, died because Agatha dragged her along to avoid having to bring Rio with them. Why was she here? She dies just to die! Why was she included at all? She adds nothing to the story and there is no payoff and her death doesn’t even affect the coven. And Rio ended up on the fucking journey anyway, so it was a waste of time and a waste of that actress’ talent considering she shows up twice and dies and it has no effect on anything.

-Lily’s sacrifice meant nothing. She died saving a woman who killed thousands of witches for her own selfish gain and who was such a low down dirty sack of shit that she taught her own fucking son to help her murder people. Why would you take this interesting, layered character and sacrifice her for a mass murderer? What about that is satisfying? What about that is meaningful?

-Ellie’s sacrifice meant nothing. She died saving a woman who killed thousands of witches for her own selfish gain. Again, why? What does that say about this fucking story that she had to die so some evil piece of shit could keep fucking people over for her own gain?

-The story starts and ends at the exact…same…fucking…place. The ENTIRE ordeal that resulted in the deaths of two innocent fucking women did not affect anything. The only thing it changed is Billy can now access his powers and wants to find Tommy. Agatha is dead, but a ghost and still alive to fuck people over, so the entire motherfucking eight hours of my life have been wasted on a story in which only TWO things have changed since it happened.

-Billy gets mad at Agatha after discovering The Road was just a con and tries to banish her, but then inexplicably he’s fine with being a murderer ONE conversation after he just tried to banish her. WHAT CHANGED!? What changed about Agatha murdering thousands of witches and you just killed two people with your magic for no reason? Why would you EVER think you wanted Agatha around after watching her admit to being a mass murderer? Why would you EVER think she could help you? Nothing she’s done has indicated she will be of any use and chances are great all she’ll do is find a way to come back to life and steal your power. It makes no sense that Billy is fine with having killed Ellie and Lily and is now besties with Agatha again after she abandoned him and just happened to have second thoughts. It was the worst attempt at a redemption arc that I have ever seen in my life. It is a pathetic, nonsensical showing of bad writing and I will die mad because I know this entire fandom ate it right up.

Many people in my life have heard my rant about what I call White Heifer Syndrome, and Agatha All Along is no different from that argument. Once again, a major studio has written a story in which a white woman fucks over hundreds of people and does not suffer the direct consequences of what she’s done, and her actions fucked over people of color in particular and that is why I am this angry at this show. I am sick and tired of watching white women in fiction fuck over hundreds of people and be treated like they’re a girlboss. Agatha Harkness is a fucking monster and I was FINE WITH IT when the show was treating her like a monster. Then the show proceeds to ignore Jen and give us Agatha’s “boo fuckity hoo” backstory and act like this literal mass murderer should garner my sympathy. Because you know, having a tragic backstory makes it all okay. All those dead witches, don’t worry about it! Feel sorry for poor, poor Agatha and her dead kid! It’s just the most crushing thing ever, isn’t it?

So what can we learn from this unmitigated fucking disaster?

Fuck twist endings. Yeah, I said. Fuck ‘em. I have completely reached a point of not wanting any major studio to handle a twist ending ever again. Stop making a twist just to make a twist. Subverting expectations only works when it is service to the story and the characters. If you do it just to avoid us predicting the outcome, you’ve insulted everyone’s intelligence and wasted their time.

Stop glorifying mass murderers and then trying to justify their behavior with a tragic backstory. A dead kid is no fun for anyone, but I am not about to excuse this empty ass bitch for slaughtering thousands to get more power all because boo hoo, your son is dead. Go to therapy, you jackass. If you’re gonna be evil, then be evil and shut the hell up about your pain because nobody cares. Like Rocket Racoon once said, everybody’s got dead people. It doesn’t give you the right to get everyone around you killed and then walk away from it with a smile, acting like you deserve anything other than misery. Stop asking the audience to treat white mass murderers like pop stars. Just stop it.

Stop killing women of color to advance a white woman’s story and then glorifying said white woman as if she somehow deserves their sacrifices. Women of color are not your fucking stepping stone. We are not your tools. We are not your Magical Negroes who advance white stories and then promptly fucking die for our trouble. Make these white women earn their keep themselves and stop forcing women of color onto their knees so white women can stand on their backs and declare themselves girlbosses. Hold these awful characters accountable and let women of color have agency of their own.

If you introduce a concept or a character, then you need to tie that off by the end of the work or you need directly address how it’ll be resolved in a future work. I don’t give a damn that Jen lived through the ordeal and got her powers back and may appear in the future. There was NO reason to focus an entire episode on Agatha being a mass murderer and shoving Jen aside when the other characters all got to have their backstories explored. Don’t think I didn’t notice the only black character got shafted, and don’t think I didn’t notice she’s a brown-skinned black woman at that and was fucked over by this story. I am not going to keep showing up to any property that cannot treat women across the board the same in terms of importance. This show was an utter disservice to these actresses and just served to glorify a woman who in no way deserves anything but hatred.

Marvel Cinematic Universe, I want nothing more than to keep loving you as I have over the last twenty years, but if THIS is the best that you can do…

You might be the next Cautionary Tale.

Get it the fuck together, MCU.

Signed,

An Angry Fangirl Named Kyoko

Cautionary Tale: Justified: City Primeval

Too much of a good thing can be bad for you, and I think there is no better example than TV shows that get after-the-fact mini-series or additional seasons after their initial run, like Justified on FX. For those who are not aware, Justified was an FX show starring the infinitely talented Timothy Olyphant as US Marshal Raylan Givens, based on the book series written by the late Elmore Leonard. Givens is a modern day cowboy of the most badass variety, and Justified is a love letter to urban cowboys. I wish I could say the show was perfect, but it is far from that; in my opinion, it should only have had four seasons. I found season five to be bad except for the most epic villain death in television history (if you must know, look up “Justified Twenty-One Foot Rule” on YouTube and sit back and enjoy), and season six was dogshit. Therefore, when it was announced there would be a new mini-series ten or so years later, I remained cautiously optimistic and began to tune in each week via Hulu.

And what I found is unfortunately a lot like when Dexter ended, then returned to try and close the loop a little better the next time around.

Which is the subject of today’s episode of Cautionary Tales.

So all the way back in the year of our Lord 2015, I wrote a cautionary tale blog post about Justified’s lousy final season. To sum it up, the last season was very forced and it was apparent the writers had no more good ideas as they’d used them up in seasons 1-4, so the last season ended on a pathetic whimper and I won’t get into it because it’s a sore subject. But I knew all the way back then that there was a finite amount of talent in the writers’ room, and I had hoped that the big gap of time between the end of the original run and the revival would have given them the time to find a good story. I actually bothered to grab the book that this series is loosely based on, City Primeval by Elmore Leonard, just because I wanted a preview of what I might expect here. The book has a reputation for basically being a middle of the road title for Leonard’s career, but the reason I’ve brought it up is because of the context. This book has nothing to do with Raylan Givens. The book is actually about a character named Raymond Cruz, but the Justified producers decided to take Cruz out and plop Raylan in since the show, while never an enormous hit, had a modest viewing of two million viewers until the final season, which lost about half a million viewers after season five was NOT good and season six was even worse. They knew they had a built in audience that would likely return for a revival, so they decided to take the plot from the book and just assign it to Raylan instead.

And honestly, I think it was a mistake.

Not a huge mistake. Not a catastrophic “I hate this” mistake.

The problem is that this revival is nothing but wheel-spinning.

Let’s get into why this is today’s lesson of cautionary tales.

Naturally, massive spoilers for the ending of Justified and for episodes 1-7 of Justified: City Primeval. At the time of this post, the series finale has not aired, so this is more of a retrospective recap and discussion of where I think things went wrong.

Alright, so here’s the basic set up: in the original series, Raylan was reassigned back to his hometown of Harlan county Kentucky after he shot a mobster to death in a crowded restaurant in broad daylight in Miami. Long story short, the original series ends with him surviving Harlan and going back to Florida, which was where he was before the shooting. We pick up close to ten years later with a very seasoned Raylan dealing with his preteen daughter, Willa, whom he had with his ex-wife Winona, and Raylan catches a case that sends him up to Detroit, Michigan. Now, Raylan is very familiar with some Detroit mobsters that had a foothold in Harlan county because it’s a backwater town full of gross racist pieces of shit and so the drug trade is huge in Harlan and so is the general crime. After arriving to Detroit, he crosses paths with Clement Mansell, an Oklahoma Wildman who has no regard for literally anyone or anything. Through sheer dumb luck, the judge Raylan was working with runs into Mansell and Mansell snaps, killing the judge and his assistant in their car in the dead of night and taking the judge’s book full of blackmail material on dozens of Detroit citizens. Mansell, who is a career criminal but managed to walk on a technicality thanks to his lawyer-under-duress, Carolyn Wilder, then gets with another one of his associates named Sweetie to start blackmailing the people in the judge’s book to make money off them, citing that once he has enough, he and his side piece bimbo Sandy will retire to the tropics.

Now, that sounds like an alright idea on paper, but unfortunately, I think the bad writing from the final season carried over into this one. The biggest problem of the show so far is that while I get that Raylan is a fish out of water, none of the things that make him a great character other than that sly sense of humor and swagger are present in this mini-series.

Raylan Givens has two important things working for him as a US Marshal: he’s incredibly intelligent and observant and he’s an amazing shot. Those two traits define him as a character. Most of the fun of the original show is watching the Harlan criminals figure out that Raylan’s intelligence and perception mixed with being a crackshot make him next to impossible to evade or defeat. And what I’ve always loved about Raylan is that he is always fair. Almost every time he’s had to confront a convict or an escaped felon, he explains exactly what he’s going to do and what their situation is and he lets them make a choice. And 99% of the time, the dopes in Harlan county think they can either outthink or outdraw Raylan and they are dead wrong, pun intended. So I was excited to see Raylan in a new environment, ready to see him adjust and change and grow in this new city.

And yet I’ve gotten 7 episodes of absolutely nothing.

I’m someone who understands that a new series can mean that they make changes and I won’t necessarily always like said changes, and that’s okay. The issue I have with this particular change is that it makes me wonder why they bothered to tell this story if Raylan’s intelligence and amazing shooting skills are not at all in use this entire series. He never gets the drop on Mansell. He and the Detroit cops fumble the investigation so badly that I frankly would be annoyed if I were a real Detroit cop because they basically make them look incompetent. The decision to basically neuter Raylan and not give him any decent leads or even just use his own intuition to figure out how to get this guy behind bars is infuriating. The difference with this series in particular is that it’s not like Mansell is very clever in how he commits crimes. The guy is blatantly doing whatever he wants, but the Detroit cops are so stupid that they somehow still can’t lock him up. So forgetting the judge and assistant’s murders, he also attempts to rob an Albanian guy at gunpoint and breaks his leg when the guy doesn’t have any money for him to steal. He was caught on audio by the police trying to blackmail a civil servant. He murders his co-conspirator, Sweetie, and burns down the bar. He executes the guy whose condo he and his bimbo had been staying in, basically for no reason, in broad daylight in an upscale condo. Did you read all of that? Now explain to me how the heck the cops can’t find any hard evidence or anything to get this guy locked up?

I’ll tell you how: shoddy writing. And unfortunately, this has been a problem for as long as fiction has existed. Often, lazy writers don’t want to make a villain smart and always one step ahead of the protagonist because it’s “too hard,” so what they do instead is simply make a dumb protagonist who bumbles all the attempts to catch the villain. And that’s really the biggest issue I have with Justified: City Primeval. The writers decided to take the easy way out by making the Detroit cops idiots and make Raylan a neutered puppy who can’t anticipate any of Mansell’s moves or gather any evidence that would lead to some kind of conviction. All of the momentum of the previous show is not present in this mini-series.

And you know, I’d be less salty about it if the content we’re seeing that is not Raylan investigating Mansell was good, but it’s not. Now, I will say that Raylan and Carolyn Wilder’s fling is by far the only legitimate enjoyment I’ve gotten out of the show. You’re welcome to throw a Criminal Offensive Side Eye at me for it; I’ve wanted Timothy Olyphant to have a black female love interest for 10 years and this series gave me exactly what I’ve always wanted (just no sex scenes, grrrr) and I’m okay with my own bias in that regard, but everything else in the show suffers as a result of the show not delivering good content. The performances are good, don’t get me wrong, but nothing is even coming close to the enjoyment we had back in Harlan county with the kooky criminals and the interesting fellow marshals in Lexington. This revival comes across as a cash grab leaning on an established IP to get viewers.

And based on the reactions from the Justified fandom, I don’t think the show is hitting for them either. I’ve been hearing complaints about Raylan’s lack of police work since episode two. I personally had reserved judgment and was hoping it was going slow in the beginning, but it would pick up in the middle, but it didn’t. The needle has not moved an inch. The entire plot is only moving forward because of Mansell, not Raylan, so in the end, it makes the show feel like Raylan was the Decoy Protagonist and the show is instead all about Mansell, who is an irritating piece of shit in every regard, and it annoys me greatly that this actor’s fangirls have clogged the Tumblr tag with a bunch of disgusting simping for a man who murdered his own mother in cold blood and threatened to rape an underage girl in front of her father. But that’s a long story I’m not gonna get into.

The central fact of the matter is that if you’re going to resurrect a show, then you have to do your due diligence in—and pun fully intended here—justifying its existence. From what I read of the book, it was a decent story that was worth telling. This story is not worth telling. It adds nothing to Raylan’s dimensions as a character and the “rivalry” they are attempting to set up with Raylan vs. Mansell is weak because the show has not developed it. I went through my head and thought about how many scenes Raylan and Mansell have had together and oddly enough, it’s not very much. He gets under Raylan’s skin because he’s a slimeball and knows it and yet the laws of man somehow just don’t apply to this guy, but that’s it. There is nowhere near the history between them like some of Raylan’s far better opponents like Boyd Crowder or Dickie Bennett. They might as well have just not made this revival in the first place if the only thing that would be good about it was Raylan gettin’ it on with a smart, powerful black woman who can handle him in a way none of the skanks he’s slept with in the past ever have. (Yes, I said it. Every woman Raylan has ever slept with in the original show was a skank. Come at me, scrublords, I’m ripped. )

Some of the issue, too, is that the supporting cast is nowhere near as strong as the one in the show’s original run. Our cast of characters is too big and so no one’s getting the focus they should have in order to make them more interesting. I already mentioned that Mansell has a stranglehold on the screentime and everyone else is left with pieces. There have been two majorly important conversations between Raylan and Carolyn that were cut short that I think was a massive mistake: seeing how they hooked up for the first time, and this most recent episode when she bluntly asked him how he would get Mansell’s prints on the murder weapon. We should have seen more content for Carolyn, Sweetie, and the detective that Raylan’s been partnered with, Wendell. None of these relationships are elaborated on enough to really make us care about what’s transpiring. It’s all too much of a light touch with Mansell as the focus, and frankly, if the new show is so enamored with this douche, then you should have just adapted the book as-is instead of including Raylan since Raylan isn’t getting to do anything the entire time.

I also want to take a little aside here and mention a pet peeve of mine. Anyone who knows me knows about my theory about what I call White Bitch Syndrome. White Bitch Syndrome, in a nutshell, is when writers coddle white female characters (and 90% of the time they’re also blonde) when everyone else in a story has to pay for their mistakes and live with the consequences of their actions. The number one reason I hated the final season of Justified was because the show went full White Bitch Syndrome with a character named Ava Crowder, who basically spent all six seasons being a reprehensible piece of shit and got away with everything solely because white woman. Now, the bimbo Sandy Stanton is nowhere near the level of cunt that Ava Crowder is—and yes, I use that term sparingly, but Ava Crowder has earned it, trust me—but she is still being coddled and I absolutely despise the way that she’s been Mansell’s accomplice, but only now does she realize he doesn’t care about anyone but himself and would kill her the second she defected. It’s not fair for you to make all these other characters pay for their actions, but she gets to walk because she’s blonde, white, and female, but again, this was Justified’s MO in the original show. Ava got away with everything and Winona’s stupid ass walked out on Raylan too without a scratch on her, cementing her as one of the dumbest characters of all time since there is no man in Harlan county like Raylan and any woman with sense would jump at the chance to be with him. But I digress.

I guess, overall, the words I would use for this revival are “unnecessary” and “unsatisfying.” It doesn’t feel like it needed to come back if this was the material it returned to in the end. Is it better than the last season? Eh. In some ways, yes. There are better characters here and Raylan isn’t acting like a complete psychopath willing to throw his badge and life away just to kill Boyd Crowder, but at the same time, this isn’t a worthy story for Raylan Givens, especially if like I suspect, they kill him off in the series finale. This was not the right choice for him and it seems to have fallen into the traps like the Dexter revival I mentioned above (keep in mind, I never watched Dexter, but I knew it had one of the most hated finales of all-time and I know about the revival’s reception only because my dad watched it over winter break one year and we chatted about how it went).

Is it possible the series finale wows me and fixes all the problems I had in episodes 1-7? Yes. Is it likely? No. My guess is that they left all the action in the final episode so it’s an incredibly bottom-heavy series with an unsatisfying conclusion. Rest assured, if they kill Raylan off after an incredibly lackluster season, I will simply go into denial like I did with the original final season, as I sadly have had to do with a lot of shows I used to love.

So what can we learn from this debacle?

A few things, really. First, don’t bring back a beloved character unless you have something relevant to say about them or about any sort of important subject matter that you want to write about. Second, if you are more interested in writing about the antagonist than the protagonist, then you need to establish that right out of the gate instead of leading people on to think the story is centered on the protagonist. Third, learn what scenes need to be elaborated on and what can get cut that won’t be detrimental to the overall story. Fourth, don’t be lazy and make a dumb protagonist so the antagonist can get away with everything; do the work of writing a competent antagonist and a competent protagonist equally. Because if you don’t do that, you end up with a trope that has a name I forget that has to do with Lex Luthor; don’t write your bad guy getting away with his crimes so often that it induces apathy within your audience because Status Quo is God. This trope refers to Lex Luthor as the main example of how a conflict between good and evil can get boring if the bad guy ALWAYS gets away with his crimes so that the work of fiction can continue to be made. We all know that Lex is never going to jail—not for anything serious that he’s done and not for any significant length of time if they do get him on something eventually—and so Superman defeating him time and time again can get old if you’re not adding any new dimensions to the struggle. Lex fared a little better in Superman: The Animated Series because Supes and Lex were engaged in, for lack of a better word, a cold war. Lex does a bunch of illegal, shady shit and Clark tries to stop it or tries to gather evidence to either put Lex away or destroy his chances at future crimes, and that worked for that show’s format. You have to balance it with victories and losses for both sides or your audiences will lose interest.

And frankly, that’s about what happened by the time I finished watching episode 7 of City Primeval. I’ve just lost interest in what they decided to focus on and this isn’t a return to form for Raylan Givens nor this writers’ room. But what can you expect when the last season was also a dried turd?

If nothing else, I’ll commend them for giving Raylan an age-appropriate, interesting love interest with whom he had actual chemistry. That’s the best thing I can say for City Primeval, personally. I guess we’ll see if they somehow buck the system and stick the landing, but my guess is I’ll be just as disappointed with this finale as I was with the original one, and that’s a damn shame considering the enormous talent of the cast in this mini-series.

Better luck next time, my long legged cowboy boyfriend.

“On this lonely road

Trying to make it home

Doin’ by my lonesome, pissed off

Who wants some?

See them long, hard times to come…”

Cautionary Tale: Loki (2021)

Glorious purpose indeed.

Well, it’s happened again. A work of fiction had a strong start and then devolved into lousy material.

First off, obviously, spoilers for the Loki 2021 series as well as the general MCU films and shows up to now. You’ve been warned.

To give you some background, I actually wasn’t a Loki fan until far later in the game. I paid him no mind in the first Thor, enjoyed him in Avengers, and then slowly over the time between Thor: The Dark World and Ragnarok, Loki slithered his way into my heart. It’s not as if I think he’s the best character in the MCU or anything, but I adore him. He’s a shitlord. He’s so extra. He’s the embodiment of chaos. He managed to charm me and make me care about him, even becoming a sort of anchor character for me in my fanfiction writing sessions. Naturally, I was quite excited when they announced he’d been given a spinoff series after the events of Avengers: Endgame. I wanted to see Tom Hiddleston continue to shine in the role, even if it was just going to be for a brief extra story for us to enjoy.

And that’s how it started off.

Episodes 1 & 2 of Loki (2021) contain the content that I’d hoped for. We got to see Loki at the end of his rope, but in a different sense than his fate in Infinity War. He was thrown into an organization he knew nothing about and without his powers. He had to figure out how to survive without any hope of outside help, which we know he’s done before. It gave us some nice introspective moments, showed us he was human, showed us vulnerable bits to his character. We also got to see plenty of his faults and shortcomings, all of which was fun and interesting.

And then Sylvie showed up.

And as soon as she did, my enjoyment of the show pretty much evaporated.

ICYMI, Sylvie is a Loki variant who was caught by the Time Variance Authority at a young age, but she managed to (easily, so easily it was insulting) escape and hide in apocalypses her entire life plotting how to destroy the TVA for kidnapping her and removing her from her own timeline. Now, granted, on paper, that backstory is okay-ish, but Sylvie is my newest entry on the exhaustingly long list of fictional characters who suffer from what I call White Bitch Syndrome.

Now, I still plan to write a full essay on White Bitch Syndrome, but let me do a short definition here. White Bitch Syndrome is when a female character—and most of the time, she is white and blonde—in a work of fiction is given undeserved credit and disrupts the dynamic of whatever work of fiction she is in, causing negative consequences for those around her but never having to suffer those same consequences herself. To me, she is almost a subversion of a Mary Sue. She takes valuable screentime away from other far more interesting and well-written characters and does all of it with a sense of entitlement that makes me want to pull my hair out.

And that’s exactly what Sylvie is.

I cannot fathom what made the writing team for Loki decide that they should give 60% of Loki’s screentime to this snotty, entitled, obnoxious Loki variant. As soon as episode three hits, she completely co-ops Loki’s show to make it all about her.

And here’s the kicker: she’s not even interesting.

It’s a bait-and-switch. I came here for Loki (or Tom Hiddleston, depends on who you ask) and what did you do? You found the world’s most irritating white woman and gave her his show. This isn’t why I came here. At all. So not only did you give me something I don’t want, you didn’t bother to make her likable or even just interesting in general. The rules of writing, at least in my mind, are to make main protagonists in a work either likable or interesting. Sylvie is neither. She is such a borderline Mary Sue. She’s stronger, smarter, more powerful than everyone around her, she constantly shoots her mouth off to disparage Loki and the other characters, she thinks she’s better than everyone and the writing of the show seems to agree, and she makes EVERYTHING about her every second she’s on screen. It’s insufferable.

But that’s not the worst part.

What truly broke me was episode 4. I had to put up with this snotty character, fine, okay, as long as maybe I get some good Loki content with what little screentime he has left after she’s sucked it all up. No. It had to get worse. The show then states—after only one and a half episodes of interactions—that Loki has a crush on Sylvie/is attached to her.

Seriously?

He’s known her for like five minutes.

What the hell do you mean he likes her?

This element of Loki (2021) is what switched me from disliking it to outright hating it. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate it when fiction generates attachment between two characters without doing the leg work first. There are few things I hate as much as when characters barely interact and then the fiction states that now they’re in love or best friends or care about each other when there is little evidence in the work itself. Loki and Sylvie spent the entire third episode hating one another. The dynamic comes across like a brother and sister who can’t stand each other being stuck in the same place, having to make nice. Then the show just decides Loki is into her, despite no evidence, despite limited screen time, despite Sylvie showing no regard or concern for him at all. It comes across as the show telling us “this is a thing because I said so.”

And that’s not good enough.

Look, I know I’m biased. I’m attached to Loki and I don’t like blonde white women in fiction because of repeated instances of White Bitch Syndrome. But this isn’t jealousy. This is lousy writing. It is lousy of them to stuff this character into the narrative to take the focus away from Loki and it’s lousy of them to have Loki inexplicably have some sort of attachment to her when the evidence points to the opposite. He should simply be using her to get what he wants, but instead they have him following after her like a helpless puppy because her Super Special Awesome Powers are so much better than his and he can’t do anything on his own. They took a show with a unique premise and made a hard left, instead making it a platform for “ooh, look at this cool white girl” instead of keeping the focus on Loki trying to survive the TVA and destroy it. Loki honestly had more chemistry and attachment to Valkyrie–who soundly beat his ass and later begrudgingly tolerated him because they needed to stop Hela–than with Sylvie. I would believe he was into Valkyrie before I’d ever believe he was into Sylvie.

For me in particular, this is unacceptable because it just feels like Sylvie is nothing more than a vehicle for the white fangirls to imagine themselves into Loki’s story. It’s no secret that Loki’s fandom is majority female and I imagine it’s largely white women. Sylvie is a transparent Audience Surrogate Mary Sue-adjacent character designed to make said fangirls feel like they have a personal connection to Loki. They can easily see themselves as Sylvie and it seems to be the only real reason she was written into the story. If she had been properly written, she would have just remained a tangential antagonist either getting in Loki’s way or preventing him from reaching whatever goal he has for himself. There was no reason to write a forced wannabe romance into the story. It’s so unearned and unnecessary.

Alright, so I’ve made my case for why Sylvie sucks. Let’s pretend for a moment that I didn’t hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. That’s not the show’s only problem. Another reason why Loki (2021) began to tank for me is that Loki has almost no agency after the end of the second episode. The second he starts following Sylvie around, the show seems to forget this is a thousand-year-old demigod with magical powers and a wealth of schemes and plans. Everything from episode 3 onward has Loki little more than a doofus who likes to run his mouth. We don’t get to see any of that calculating intelligence that made us love Loki in his previous films and appearances. He’s not doing anything. He’s just stumbling from one place to the next utterly failing and not affecting change nor the plot itself. I fear part of the problem is that the writing staff took too much from Thor: Ragnarok without understanding that the film, while a comedy, also knew how to write a balanced Loki. We know Loki is capable of making mistakes, but the ones he commits in this show are egregious. It’s not organic to the character. It feels as if they are trying to emulate Ragnarok without allowing Loki the same agency and behaviors that made him so lovable in the first place. Think about it. Loki tricked Thor into thinking he was dead and impersonated Odin convincingly (or so we’re assuming, since we don’t catch up to him until 2017, which is 4 years after Thor: The Dark World) for entire years without anyone catching him. He then lands on Sakaar after Hela attacks and manages to worm his way into the Grandmaster’s good graces in only a matter of weeks. Loki has been an effective antagonist and part time protagonist for several films, which is why he’s been so popular. I don’t understand why they have written him completely bumbling and ineffective in this series after the halfway point in the story. In Fish Out of Water stories, you still need to have the protagonist affecting change and making important decisions that affect the plot and develop them as characters. He’s not learning anything, he’s not changing, he’s not growing. He’s stuck in the passenger’s seat while Sylvie drives the car off the cliff.

Speaking of unearned nonsense, this whole “friendship” between Mobius and Loki also annoys me. It’s like I’m not watching the same show. When did they become “friends”? Do they not know what that means? Presumably, Mobius and Loki spent several hours together investigating the Loki variant and while I actually quite like their banter, they too were not with each other long enough to consider each other friends. I don’t like it when fiction drops the F-word (friend, of course) unwarranted and this is another example. Mobius and Loki were at most colleagues. They were only together for two and a half episodes and then for a short bit in episode 4. The show yet again did not do the leg work but then handed us this forced claim of friendship when they’ve really just been enemies temporarily on the same side. I do think aspects of the relationship work, just not enough for the show to claim that now they are magically friends. It’s less of an eyesore than the claim that Loki likes Sylvie, but it’s still poorly written and has little evidence to back it up.

Another aspect of the show that bothers the hell out of me is they introduce Hunter B-15 and Judge Renslayer as powerful, competent women…and then sideline them. Hunter B-15 becomes Sylvie’s lackey after Sylvie’s enchantment caused her to remember her life before the TVA erased her memory. Hunter B-15 was introduced to us in a spectacular fashion, bitchslapping Loki and being an incredible force to be reckoned with. I remember being so excited to see a dark-skinned black woman on the Loki posters, hoping for more representation, and yet they’ve done what too many shows and movies have done with black women—forced them to be in the shadow of their white counterparts. Judge Renslayer is even more of a letdown that B-15. She is introduced as smart and coldly calculating, but then Mary Sue Sylvie EASILY beats her in combat and she’s turned into a mugging, desperate mess instead of someone who was ruling an entire organization with an iron fist for God-knows how long. It was fine for Renslayer to be off-balance finding out the Timekeepers weren’t real. What wasn’t fine was a white blonde woman domineering over a black woman who previously held authority. Renslayer presided over the TVA…and that’s the best she can do? Stall, lie, and babble in front of Sylvie? It’s so painfully obvious that the show wants to keep kissing Sylvie’s ass and insisting she’s the most powerful Loki of all and they sacrificed any potential greatness for Renslayer as a result. I don’t mind Renslayer turning out to be bad; she wasn’t giving off any other impression in the first place. What I do mind is having this white woman just sling her around like it’s nothing when Renslayer should be far more effective than that considering she’s been the boss for presumably years and years. Why the hell was she leading the TVA if she can’t even handle this one variant?

This issue in particular burns me up because while Marvel has been doing a really good job introducing people of color into the lineup and giving them agency, there has also been this trend of what I like to call checkmark diversity. This is when shows or movies include POC in a work as supporting characters in order to check off the diversity box, but they’re not actually giving these POC much to do. They are constantly overshadowed by the white characters instead. The show gets to claim they’re progressive and diverse, but when you look at the POC’s storylines and interactions, you actually don’t end up with anything other than window dressing. I can tell you several different ideas I had for what would become of Hunter B-15 and Renslayer, but none of those came to fruition. The focus remained on the three central white characters: Loki, Sylvie, and Mobius. We know for a fact that the MCU can write excellent black characters like Sam Wilson, Monica Rambeau, and Luke Cage. It’s a damn shame to have two enjoyable black women on this show and they’re just there to fill in a checkbox. It’s especially sad since I’ve seen some behind the scenes bits with the actresses and Tom Hiddleston and they get along wonderfully. It’s truly adorable seeing some of their interactions, so for the show to have them both end up doormats to the white leads is an utter disappointment for me personally as a black fangirl.

At the time of this post, there is still the Loki finale to be watched. Honestly, though, I have no hopes for it any longer. I had hoped that with the plot of episode 5 being Loki in what is basically Purgatory with other versions of himself that we’d get the focus back on him and his desires, but no. Sylvie finds him in like 10 minutes of screentime and goes right to making everything about her, fulfilling her White Bitch Syndrome duties and securing herself as a Mary Sue-adjacent character. I’m tired. I will watch the finale, but I’m expecting it to be just as disappointing as it’s been since the halfway point in the series.

It hurts me to say these things. I’ve written a metric ton of Loki/MCU fanfiction. I truly enjoy his character. I cried like a baby when he died in Infinity War. I really like him, but this show stupidly managed to take from him rather than give him more things, ironically enough. It’s not yet to a point where I declare it Discontinuity, but I am unfortunately not going to be really be taking anything away from this series. I’m probably going to ignore it and go back to my Denial Land of fanfiction instead.

My final point is that Loki (2021) is a cautionary tale because of its utterly squandered potential. The show’s trailers promised lots of things that looked amazing, but then once you pull off the cloak, all you get is a snotty OC and a very diminished, borderline derivative version of Loki. I am far more satisfied with the canon timeline Loki than with this Loki variant, which is a shame. I’m not to a point that I wouldn’t recommend the show, but of the MCU shows, Loki is certainly the weakest. It doesn’t live up to what it promised because of the writers’ inexplicable decision to give away his screentime to an entitled bratty character with, and this is just personal taste, a substandard actress with a grating performance. The lesson to be learned from this is that you have to know what you’re going after when you set off on a side story. The overall consequences of Loki have yet to be seen, but the implication is that the timeline is going to be destabilized and will then set off the Multiverse of Madness that will be addressed in Spider-Man 3: No Way Home and in Doctor Strange: Multiverse of Madness. That being said, I don’t think this show is strong enough to warrant anyone other than die-hard Loki fans a watch. I am open to the thought that maybe the finale will redeem the show, but it’s doubtful based on the evidence I currently have. More than likely, it’s going to go out on a whimper and not a bang and the romantic red string the writers forced around Loki’s neck is going to strangle him same as Thanos did.

I hope I’m wrong.

But I’m probably not.

Here’s to the multiverse. At least it has a version of Loki that’s not a disappointment.

Cautionary Tale: Netflix’s Iron Fist

Man, it’s rough when an entertainment company you love breaks their winning streak.

Marvel’s been cranking out consistently good material both in the cinematic universe and in the television universe for years now, and I think maybe we all got so used to it that we forgot it’s possible to completely miss the mark. To me, that’s what their latest venture, Iron Fist, is in essence: a swing and a miss.

To be frank, I rage quit the pilot to Iron Fist twice. Keep in mind, I wasn’t one of the naysayers who hated it before it came out and I actually didn’t listen to the early negative reviews because I knew there were people who wanted to hate it right out of the gate and nothing was going to change their minds. I saw the trailer and felt underwhelmed, but with Marvel’s excellent track record, I was willing to give it a try. This is not to say that I haven’t had problems with a few Marvel properties before. For instance, I didn’t finish Jessica Jones—not because it wasn’t good, but rather because I was not the key demographic for that show. Being an urban fantasy author, I have seen the exact same archetype that Jessica Jones is about a million times and so I was already burned out on the “inexplicably attractive but perpetually rude and standoffish private detective with super special powers” trope long before the show came around. Plus, the pacing was too slow and I wasn’t a fan of the gratuitous sex scenes with the far superior character of Luke Cage.

So why did I rage quit Iron Fist?

In order to understand why I’ve included Iron Fist in the cautionary tales catalog on my blog, let’s take a look at just what made me quit watching the pilot twice in the same day. Let’s do a comparison between the first fifteen minutes of Daredevil, Luke Cage, and Iron Fist, and see if you can understand my utter frustration with this new show.

In the first fifteen minutes of Daredevil, here is what is established:

-How Matt Murdock lost his eyesight as a child and gained his powers saving an old man’s life

-Matt’s devout Catholicism and conflicted conscious because of how he misses his father and realizes how much they are alike in having “the devil” in them

-Matt goes down to the docks and stops a bunch a human traffickers from kidnapping innocent women

-Gives us that unforgettable opening sequence of blood over the city

-Introduces the unbelievably perfect Foggy Nelson and what he does for a living with Matt as well as the friend they have on the police force

-Introduces Karen Page and her predicament

-Introduces the dynamic between Karen, Matt, and Foggy

In the first fifteen minutes of Luke Cage, here is what is established:

-That funky, colorful opening sequence

-Introduces Pops and his shop members as well as Luke’s overall cool-as-a-cucumber-but-don’t-push-your-luck-fool attitude

-Introduces a minor character and her son who will impact the plot later on

-Establishes the relationship between Luke and Pops and hints at Luke’s powers

-Hints at Luke’s backstory and shows us his daily struggles to find rent money and his desire to stay under the radar even though he could do more if he wanted to

-Introduces Harlem’s Paradise as well as the first two main villains, Cottonmouth and Mariah

And in the first fifteen minutes of Iron Fist, here is what is established:

-A bland, forgettable afterthought of an opening sequence

-Danny thinks he owns a building

-Danny thinks people he knew over a decade ago still work at his father’s company

-Danny thinks he can talk to the CEO of a company with no appointment and zero proof that he is the founder’s son who was believed to have died in a plane crash a decade ago

-Danny thinks that two people he knew when he was a kid would recognize him as an adult and after he was presumed dead as a child

-Danny presumably has no money and no shoes and just sleeps in the park after meeting a bum who ends up not contributing to the narrative whatsoever

-Danny, still looking homeless, starts speaking Mandarin to the Asian girl hanging up dojo fliers

-Danny breaks into his old house and walks around like it’s not big deal

-Danny’s relationship with Ward is revealed as abusive

Do you see the stark difference between these shows? How is it that Daredevil and Luke Cage can establish that much story in a quarter of the runtime and yet Iron Fist establishes almost nothing in the same amount of time? This is exactly why I couldn’t get through Iron Fist’s pilot in one sitting. First of all, Danny is characterized like an entitled douchebag. We don’t know anything about him other than he’s woefully naïve and just assumes that everything will fall into place for him without concrete evidence towards his claims. We don’t know why he came back to the city or what his mission is, whereas with both of our other examples, we are quickly shown the character’s personalities and what they are working towards. All we know is that Danny thinks he owns the company, but yet we see no skillset that suggests he even could run it when he doesn’t even have the good sense to wear shoes while walking through New York or to find some kind of proof that he is in fact Danny Rand.

I’ve been describing Iron Fist’s script as “something that was written the night before it was due and was never revised.” Now that the whole show is up on Netflix, we’re starting to get stories that fill in why this show is falling flat on its face, such as the fact that Finn Jones, the titular Danny, only trained three weeks before shooting a show about martial arts. That’s unheard of. If you check the backgrounds of most actors who are cast as superheroes, they train for literal months at a time—not only so that they are physically intimidating, but so that the fight choreography is nuanced, believable, and a joy to watch. For example, one of my favorite modern fight scenes is Captain America (Chris Evans) versus Batroc (Georges St. Pierre) because Chris Evans trained for months to be able to do a majority of the shots in that amazing fight scene since he is in fact opposite a real UFC fighter. It is painfully obvious when Danny Rand fights that he isn’t a martial artist, and it would be different if it were like Daredevil when you have the complicated routines performed by an amazing stunt double. I didn’t make it past the pilot, but I’ve heard that Iron Fist’s fight choreography centered around Finn Jones is underwhelming at best, and it’s impossible not to make a comparison to either Daredevil or Luke Cage, which had intense fight scenes that were both unique and engrossing.

Furthermore, even if you forget the sloppy fighting, the dialogue is wooden and poorly done. Dialogue is about moving the plot forward, making complications between characters, or solving a problem, and none of that is included in the pilot episode of Iron Fist. It is so obvious that they are dumping exposition on your head. They don’t even try to hide it. Hell, the two main villains basically have a meeting where absolutely nothing gets done. They just meet to show the audience that they’re evil and in cahootz with each other. They don’t solve the problem at hand; they instead regurgitate rancid dialogue to establish their relationship.

Lastly, it also doesn’t help that Danny comes across as a pretentious college kid who spent one summer abroad and thinks he’s a dyed-in-the-wool Buddhist martial artist. He once again finds the Asian girl and starts condescendingly telling her that she should teach kung fu if she wants more students, mansplains that he’s supposed to “fight the master of the dojo” now that he has entered their city, and asserts that she should just give him a job even though he still looks like a crazy hobo. Understandably, she tells him to get lost, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he’s so arrogant. The troublesome part is that arrogance is a normal thing in certain heroes like Tony Stark or Thor, but even in those movies, we are immediately shown that both of them have a heart and are just spoiled rather than truly being douchebags. Danny doesn’t give us a moment of humanity in the pilot. He doesn’t give us a reason to care about him, and at the end of the day, if you don’t do that in the first episode of your show, odds are that you are doomed to fail.

In the end, even though I can’t fully judge the show since I won’t be finishing it, I think this is a product of Marvel rushing to put something out so that they have time to work on the Defenders instead. Danny Rand is an afterthought. This whole show feels like an afterthought. It doesn’t have a flavor. It doesn’t have the careful writing or beautiful cinematography of any of its siblings. If nothing else, then Iron Fist teaches us caution—that even when you’re on a winning streak you can still bomb out if you don’t take your time and tell a story worth telling. Even the mighty Marvel can trip and fall. No one is above that.

Let’s just hope they try harder with the upcoming Defenders show.

Cautionary Tale: FX’s Taboo

In my experience, writing a good story is like baking a cake.

You have to measure each ingredient carefully. You have to know what things taste good together and what to leave out. Put too much liquid and it won’t firm up. Don’t put enough, the cake is dry. Add too much sugar and it’s inedible. Don’t add enough and it’s bland and tasteless.

Finally, after you have a good story, you add your icing. For novels, icing can be the worldbuilding aspects, extra juicy scenes to pander to the fans, or any manner of things. In television, however, I would equate the icing to the acting and atmosphere of a story.

FX’s mini-series Taboo is like a dry cake with excellent frosting.

Naturally, spoilers ahead. 

Unfortunately, what I believe happens in instances like Taboo is that the writers got so wrapped up in the “mystery” of the show that they just flat-out refused to tell a story the way that people have been doing it for thousands of years, because for some reason, they thought they knew better. We’ve all seen shows, movies, or books of the like, where it’s so clear that the author wants to lead you around by the nose and never see a twist coming that they actually fail storytelling in general.

You see, Taboo has a terribly interesting premise, and it has strong dialogue delivered by an incredibly talented cast. I fully admit that I am a Tom Hardy fangirl, but it’s true that I gave this show a chance because it had the potential to be unlike anything else on network television these days. Hell, FX is one of my favorite channels for that reason. They like to take risks and explore the worlds outside of the boring lineup of every other channel with its shows only about doctors, lawyers, or cops. Furthermore, the cinematography is Emmy-worthy, and that’s saying something considering the show is set in Crapsack World 1800’s where everything is dirty, cold, wet, and diseased.

Still, this is what happens sometimes when you get big name directors like Ridley Scott who are so concerned with making something unsolvable that they lose the entire reason why we sat down to watch Taboo in the first place.

Let’s start with the big man himself, James Keziah Delaney. Is his part well-acted? Absolutely. Tom’s using his A-game and he’s given us a heavy, disturbing, intriguing performance as Delaney, who is just as batshit insane as a man can possibly get, and is so far into the antagonist role that you could easily argue he is a villain protagonist. Over the course of the show, we really are not given much in the way of redeeming qualities. At the most, we see he has a slight fondness for the madam’s daughter Winter and he has a slight attachment for his father’s servant Brace, but he is portrayed as basically a step below full on evil. He takes Anti-Hero to a whole new level, and it’s the first mistake that the show made: you cannot root for a man who is almost completely aligned with the villain, and so you never grow attached to him, therefore meaning that his fate is ultimately pointless.

As I mentioned before, basic storytelling means that you introduce a character, introduce their motivations, glance over their background in order to help the audience understand them, and then you put them on a journey.

Well, what the hell is James’ motivation? They never give us a full picture of who he is as a man, despite how much time we’ve spent with him. The writers threw us a few crumbs, but there is no payoff for who James Delaney is and why he does what he does. For example, most storytellers would make this a revenge story based around how the East India Company killed James’ father. We would assume as much, but we’re shown that James doesn’t have that much loyalty to his father and isn’t broken up at finding out he was killed for the Nootka land.

Well, maybe it’s about James’ mother, who was clearly a Native of some sort. Maybe she’s the reason he’s fighting the company to go to Nootka and maybe rediscover his roots. Nope. They never go into who his mother was, what she did, why she did it, how it affected him, or if he actually has any supernatural powers. They tease at it constantly and never address it, and it’s worse because it could have been one of the most interesting concepts of the entire show. Once more, it’s because the writers think it’s cool to keep the audience guessing and keep them in the dark, but all it does is make you impatient and frustrated that they’re jerking you around for the sake of jerking you around. James’ mother should have a larger impact on understanding who he is and where he came from, but ultimately she matters about as much as James’ father, which is not at all.

Over and over again, James makes decisions that can’t be predicted or absorbed by the audience because the show constantly holds us at arms’ length in order to deliver “ooh, aah, what a twist!” moments. I don’t know why they seem to think this is enough to keep our butts in the chairs. Without a reason to care or understand or sympathize with James, why should we stick around for a few cheap, paltry writing tricks?

Let’s say for argument’s sake that maybe it’s not about understanding James Delaney. Fine. What about Zilpha or Lorna? Nope. We’re not given any motivations for either of them. Zilpha is living under the greasy boot of her stupid abusive husband until the last two or three episodes. We don’t know how she ended up with him. We don’t know why she puts up with his abuse when she clearly has some kind of self-esteem and thoughts independent of him. Was her husband always an abusive creep or did James’ reappearance change him? Sure, it’s satisfying when she stabs his bitch ass and he dies knowing that she sent his sorry butt to the afterlife, but then the show immediately ruins it by letting her story unceremoniously end with suicide. What? Are you kidding me? Why did James doggedly pursue her, to the point where he was giving her wet dreams, and then just randomly drop her on her ass? They never explain why he just cut her off and then she just dies for no reason. What was the point of telling that story in the first place if there is no pay off?

Alright, then let’s focus on Lorna. Maybe she was meant to be the focus. Nope. No dice. Lorna shows up all proud and arrogant like she’s hot shit in a champagne glass, but she then proceeds to just take up space as the Token Vagina of the group. She contributes absolutely nothing to the story until the season finale when she exonerates James from the murder of Winter—which, by the way, no one was investigating and he was just stomping around London free as a bird in spite of this—but even then that became a moot point because James was escaping London altogether and Winter’s mother dies in the finale. Again, what was the point of this character? They never show us anything about her marriage to James’ father, if it was even legit, or if she knew all along that attaching herself to him would give her Nootka, or why she wanted Nootka to begin with considering she was just an actress. How could she sail to America and expect not to be instantly killed upon arriving? Or was she just going to sell Nootka to the highest bidder? We, as the audience, cannot answer any of these questions, and that is a huge sign that this story is sour.

There are so many points in this show where there is no pay off. It’s just sloppy. For example, we later see that James and Goddard did file the account of the Influence’s sinking and gave it to Chichester, but then James just murders Stuart Strange, who is the reason why Chichester wanted justice in the first place. Stuart is dead and therefore cannot pay for his crime in the justice system. Perhaps it means the destruction or at least the seizure of the East India Trading Company, but those two actions are at odds with each other in terms of the story. You could argue that it shows that James has at least some common decency, but since we still don’t know what’s going on inside his head, it’s not satisfying.

To me, Taboo could have been a delicious cake with delicious frosting, and instead, it is a dry cake with fantastic frosting. Most of the time, you want it to be bad frosting on a good cake because you can simply scrape the frosting off and eat the cake, but Taboo is at its core an unstable story wobbling because the cook was so busy trying to be Avant Garde that he just forgot the right ingredients and the right measurements.

I must admit that I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be back if FX orders another season. It’s extremely clear that the people in that writers’ room just want to dick around instead of doing their job and telling a story so that we care about the characters we’ve spent so much time with. I suppose I’ll have to mull it over and decide if it’s worth it for another go at an extremely overcooked cake with poor flavoring, but excellent frosting.

Maybe if Tom Hardy shares it with me…