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Things The Colbert Report Taught Me About Writing

Pictured: the most adorable man in all of late night TV.

Pictured: the most adorable man in all of late night TV. No offense, Craig Ferguson.

It’s a dark time in America because everyone’s favorite political satirist pundit, Stephen Tiberius Colbert, is ending his show December 18, 2014. The good news is that he’s ending the show in order to take over David Letterman’s late night talk show, but it does mean saying goodbye to the character of Stephen Colbert. In his honor, here are some things that his show has taught me since I began watching back in 2008.

Go big or go home. Everything about Colbert is always big, loud, and over-the-top. Last night took this idea to new heights when he had the President of the United States, Barack Obama himself, appear on the show and not only give a great interview, but actually take over one of Colbert’s most famous segments, The Word (changing of course to The Decree because he’s the goddamn president.) Colbert does nothing in moderation, and it’s one of the reasons why he’s been charging past Jon Stewart in terms of notoriety. He’s had a plethora of amazing guests, absolutely hysterical interviews, several historical impacts on pop culture (he has his portrait in the Smithsonian, he’s had newly discovered species named after him, and even has a treadmill in the space station named after him), and he never lets himself be bested. One of his more famous moments was after he was scheduled to interview Daft Punk and they canceled on him last minute, he then launched into a musical bonanza cover of their smash hit “Get Lucky” with a ton of guests like Bryan Cranston, Matt Damon, and Jimmy Fallon just to stick it to Daft Punk and MTV for snubbing him.

Colbert’s example is applicable to writing in that it’s important not to half-ass anything in your work. If you’re afraid of a certain subject, then either charge forward full steam ahead or don’t do it at all. Often I’ve read stories where characters are wishy-washy or you can tell the author wants to bring something up, but they can’t find it in themselves to make a decision. This trait happens most often with romantic couples in fiction, like Ross and Rachel from Friends, where the writers are indecisive about a relationship or think they should drag it out as long as possible to keep the audience’s interest. Being decisive in writing is essential to keep your readers’ attention and to put your highest quality of work on the pages instead of fretting over things you feel like you should avoid. Be bold. Be fearless. If you’re going to go there, don’t just go there—go there, buy a t-shirt, take a selfie, and post it on Facebook.

The character is not the same as the author, and vice versa. One of the most consistently stupid things associated with the Colbert Report is that some people don’t realize he is a parody character. There have been so many times where I’ll see a post of someone ranting about Colbert’s ignorance and offensive opinions like he is a real person and not political satire. It’s probably the same idiots who fall for the fake news headlines that The Onion makes every day, but I digress.

Stephen Colbert and Stephen Colbert are not the same guy. When the camera’s on, we get a hilariously rigid conservative who trusts only his gut and anything that his idol “Papa Bear” Bill O’Reilly has to say. Off-camera, though, Stephen is actually a nice, fiercely intelligent husband and father. When he’s not on the Report, he often gives speeches (like the famous 2006 White House Correspondent’s Dinner) and is a social and political activist. He truly does believe in the people and he wants the best for us, so it’s important that people realize that he is playing a character and there is a separation between the two men that he is.

A lot of authors, especially female authors, get flack for something their character does that the readers disagree with, so it’s important to acknowledge that writers are artists. We craft stories. That doesn’t mean we condone everything that happens in them unless it’s expressed in our blog or social media. It can be hard to make that distinction when you’ve spent a whole novel getting to know their characters, but good authors make it clear in their work that it’s the character’s decisions that drive the narrative, not their own agendas. It’s always easy to tell when the author wants something to happen instead of it happening naturally in the context of their own world because it feels forced, like an invisible hand turning the page for you rather than letting you get there on your own. It may take a while to learn how to let the story flow, but it’s worth it.

Challenge authority. One of the reasons I like Colbert better than Jon Stewart is that he’s more balanced. He’s a parody of conservatives, but he also makes fun of everyone in every political party instead of just heaping contempt on one side of the fence. Hell, some of his best lines have been over-the-top shots at President Obama (I once recall him accusing him of being a “time-traveling Muslim terrorist.”) Everyone is open season when it comes to Colbert, even his own network and sponsors, and that’s how it should be. He isn’t afraid to criticize the powers that be and bring up excellent commentary on unfair policies, hypocritical pundits, lousy news reporting, and questionable or unethical behavior by those who run this country.

This is also absolutely important in the world of writing, both in fiction and non-fiction. One of the reasons why The Hunger Games is so popular is because it boldly criticizes some of the things that are happening in our society today, from revolutions and war to the way the media is so willing to cover up horrible crimes by distracting its audience with a forced love story. The films are also unnervingly prophetic, as advertisers have been trying to force every sort of product you can imagine out of the franchise. Subway had a tagline for Catching Fire, “Where victors eat” that made me want to tear my hair out because it was ludicrous considering the story is about starving children forced to murder each other so their families won’t die. Sure, that lends itself perfectly to a five dollar footlong. Or how ABC Family just started running the first movie on their channel; you know, the channel most parents used to be able to leave on for their kids because the material was family friendly. Yes, please show children violently killing each other thanks to a totalitarian government to my six year old. Brilliant marketing.

Anyway, The Hunger Games challenges the government’s tendency to manipulate everything we see for their own purposes, and that is definitely the truth not only in America, but in every country. Authors should never be afraid to speak up about injustice, even if it’s not as overt as The Hunger Games trilogy.

It also doesn’t have to stick to politics. A lot of self-published authors have been rising in the bestsellers ranks and making a point to the Big Six publishers that they aren’t the only way to go in the publishing world. Too many companies still look down on indie authors, and while neither method of publishing is better than the other, it should be seen as a fair trade. Both ways have benefits and consequences, but right now, traditional publishing is still seen as being more ‘legitimate’ while many indie authors are stuck underneath a glass ceiling. The tension between the two will probably dissipate years from now, but until then, authors need to ask questions and search for facts and be unafraid to get answers.

Fact checking is your friend. How many jokes per segment of any given Colbert Report episode is devoted to showing a politician who has zero facts and yet feels qualified to give their opinion on a current event? Go ahead, guess. I’ll wait. It’s impossible to tell because thanks to the 24-hour news circuits, pundits, interviewers, celebrities, and politicians are constantly letting the most ignorant statements and opinions fly out of their mouths with no regard for research, mathematics, or facts. At some point, journalism was about finding the truth and sharing it, but too many news channels are concerned about ratings and sensational news, so they let simple facts fall to the wayside. The good news is, though, The Colbert Report is there to make fun of them to the ends of the earth.

Research is tedious. There is nothing that can change that, not even Wikipedia. But it’s not just necessary if you’re an author—it’s mandatory. No matter what kind of story you write and no matter what the genre, you will need to do research. If you write epic or high fantasy, sure, the proportion of research might be smaller, but it is 100% mandatory to do research before you publish any work. If you don’t have a notepad, Word document, or slab of concrete full of notes that have been fact-checked by an academic source, then don’t you dare hit that Publish button. Nothing is worse than reading a book and being able to open a tab in your Internet browser and immediately prove that what happened was false or wildly inaccurate. Some readers don’t mind if the truth is bent or slanted, or if your work is based on theory, but if you expect them to pay for your work, you need to have actually done it. Otherwise, the critics will come after you with torches and pitchforks and you’re done for.

Trust your gut. One of Colbert’s biggest achievements was the creation of the word “truthiness” (which was officially added to the Webster’s Dictionary, to my endless amusement): “the quality of seeming or being felt to be true, even if not necessarily true.” Colbert insists that he doesn’t need facts because he asks his gut whether something feels true or not. While amusing, he does have a point.

An author’s instincts are key in determining where they are going to go with a particular story, and where they are going to go in their career. There are so many possibilities involved with this career that they can get overwhelming, and some find themselves panicking over choices to make. Take it from Colbert. Trust your gut. Trust the strongest, loudest voice in your head as long as it lines up with what you feel in your gut. This may mean taking a huge risk with a character or a story arc. This may mean deleting one of your favorite scenes or erasing a character out of the narrative. It can mess up what you thought you wanted, but if it makes your work better, then you are bound by authorly honor to do it. If it feels true to the story, then do it. Accept no substitutes.

It’s going to be hard to say goodbye to Colbert after so many years of laughter, but all good things must come to an end. Here’s to you, Colbert. It’s been real.

-Kyoko

The Slippery Slope (Part 2)

Featuring Nicole Beharie (Abbie Mills), Tom Mison (Ichabod Crane), and their usual lack of personal space.

Featuring Nicole Beharie (Abbie Mills), Tom Mison (Ichabod Crane), and their usual lack of personal space.

The story of how I got roped into watching ‘Sleepy Hollow’ seems like an old classic. Here I was with my steady lineup of shows and then I heard about a fantasy show with a black female protagonist. Granted, it was on Fox—the Judas of all television channels—but I figured that since I’m in the same business, I should watch the trailer. Needless to say, I was not impressed and thought it was the dumbest premise I’ve ever seen in my life. However, I felt obligated as a fellow woman of color to support a show that featured a black woman as something other than a side chick or a housewife, and gave the pilot a watch.

Since then, I’ve been watching ‘Sleepy Hollow’ with mild interest. Yes, the premise is ridiculous, there is absolutely no logic involved with any of the monster-hunting, and it’s basically like taking one of my books and putting it in a blender with ‘Constantine’ (2005) and ‘Supernatural’, but it’s still harmless entertainment with a twist of diversity.

Fast-forward to a couple weeks ago. If you’re acquainted with the ‘Sleepy Hollow’ fandom, then you know that the episode “Deliverance” is ground zero for one of the biggest fandom freak outs in quite some time. And rightfully so.

If you haven’t been reading Genevieve Valentine’s io9 Sleepy Hollow recaps, please do. She pretty much sums up my feelings about 80% of the time, but I’ll give you a quick rundown of why the episode was a nuclear holocaust: Ichabod Crane’s witch wife, Katrina, has been staying with the bad guys—her son, Jeremy, the Horseman of War—and Abraham—the Headless Horseman of Death, who was her betrothed back in the day before they all time jumped into modern day thanks to the war with the demon Moloch—in order to “spy on them for valuable information” to later share with Crane and Abbie Mills, his partner, police officer, and fellow Witness (and work wife, if we’re being honest.) In the previous episode, Jeremy got his hands on an evil substance that turned into a spider, crawled into Katrina’s mouth, and somehow managed to impregnate her with a baby version of Moloch. Yes, I cannot believe I just typed that sentence with any amount of sanity in my brain. Katrina escapes to Crane and Abbie to figure out how to get rid of the demon baby before Moloch is born and the war begins.

Where do I even begin with why this episode may in fact do this show in for good? I mean, if I can manage to sidestep the utter creepiness of a son inseminating his mother, or the tired-ass plotpoint of “unwanted supernatural pregnancy,” then the clear reason why this episode did not work is centered around Katrina Crane. Her presence in this show went from exasperating to just plain infuriating.

Look, it’s not like Katrina needs to be a gun-toting bad ass like Abbie to be a good character. I can name plenty of Non Action Girl heroines that are effective and three dimensional. The problem is that she doesn’t do anything useful. She’s such a damsel in distress. She went undercover to spy on the bad guys, and yet all she did up until that episode was send Crane a note with a raven. She has not learned a damn thing and she hasn’t done much other than giving Crane vague messages while she was in Purgatory back in season one. Even though her actions technically started the plot of the series, the fact that the writers staunchly refuse to make her an important asset to Team Witness is grating.

For example, even though Jeremy kidnapped her and left Crane to die in a coffin buried underground last season, Katrina is somehow convinced that there is good in Jeremy and he can be saved. She even gets Crane in on her nonsense, insisting that Moloch’s influence is why he turned out evil. We have not seen one single sign that Jeremy is being controlled, but she and Crane insist to Abbie that their faith in him is why he deserves to be saved. Mind you, Crane goes to Jeremy and asks him to get rid of the demon baby and he pretty much laughs in Crane’s face before leaving, but this somehow still doesn’t deter the Cranes. The blind love they have for someone who is trying to literally raise hell on earth just makes me want to pound my head into the wall until I’m unconscious.

Furthermore, it’s clear that the writers just brought Katrina in for the sake of interrupting the dynamic between Crane and Abbie (affectionately called Ichabbie by those who ship them) and it feels unnatural as hell. To their credit, the tension between the two women is not jealousy. It’s just that Abbie has been busting her beautiful ass fighting Moloch and the two horsemen with Crane, but then Crane will drop whatever he’s doing to coo and fuss over his wife, who constantly distracts him from the work he should be doing trying to prevent the Apocalypse. If Katrina were written properly, she would have a vast knowledge of the dark forces of magic, she would be able to combat Jeremy and Abraham’s schemes with spells, or she would be teaching Abbie incantations that could later help her protect herself (as Abbie usually only has a gun and that never works against the monsters in this show.) And yet here we are, with Katrina preggers with a demon baby whining and screaming and protesting that Jeremy is still worth saving despite the fact that he put the demon inside her knowing that its birth would kill her.

Majority of the fanbase was rightfully angry at this episode because it just brought up how unacceptable Katrina’s presence is in this show because she is not helping any facet of the show move forward. She’s a roadblock, plain and simple. She opposes Abbie for paper thin reasons, she has lied to her husband on multiple occasions, and while she protests that she has no feelings for Abraham, she still seems to like the attention he dotes on her. Two episodes later and Katrina is back with Jeremy and Abraham under the pretense that she’s still spying on them, and she made Abbie tell Crane she was going back to them like an irresponsible coward.

Honestly, the way the Cranes have been acting in the last two episodes have killed off a large part of my interest in this show. ‘Sleepy Hollow’ is not smart or controversial or brilliant. It works because Tom Mison (Crane), Nicole Beharie (Abbie), Lyndie Greenwood (Jenny), Orlando Jones(Captain Irving), and John Noble (Jeremy) all have the acting chops to make this farce of a premise seem interesting. Tom and Nicole have bucketloads of chemistry, whether romantic or not, and they are the core of why people watch this show. This season has lost its way by shoving Katrina into the spotlight but not giving her anything to do, shelving the incredibly awesome Orlando “Trollando” Jones, putting Jenny on a bus for several inexplicable episodes, forcing us to spend time with the charm-deficient mercenary and failed attempt at a love interest for Abbie Nick Hawley, and for taking away the meat of the show that everyone was enjoying and replacing it with dry wheat toast.

The worst part is that ‘Sleepy Hollow’ also isn’t the most popular show on the network. It’s doing alright, but if even a portion of the fans jump ship because of the poor writing, then it could be circling the drain by the time the season ends if they don’t get back on track. While I’m not married to this show by any stretch, I do think what it represents is important and that’s why it deserves a shot at longevity. We need diversity in television—not just with black women, but people of color in general rarely get the chance to be a main character in an urban fantasy or supernatural type show. I want this show to do better because it fills a void. Sure, there are novels with women of color in the lead, but it’s highly rare for television and it needs to be a stepping stone to future diversity-oriented shows.

My hope is that the writers have paid attention to the large outcry that “Deliverance” caused and learn from their mistakes. I hope they write Katrina better, whether it’s giving her something to actually do in the show or letting her go to the Dark Side with the baddies. I hope they stop making up lame reasons for Crane and Abbie to fight. I hope they don’t create a stupid love triangle between Hawley and the Mills sisters (which would be a moot point since I genuinely think Abbie is not interested in any romance period, Crane or Hawley or otherwise). Fingers crossed, Sleepyheads. Hang in there.

-Kyoko

Why Bother? The Two Deadliest Words to a Self-Published Author

You said it, Daria.

You said it, Daria.

Y’know what sucks? Being unemployed and your books not selling at the same time.

It’s not just the lack of money, either. I’ve been unemployed before back when my second retail job went under thanks to rent issues in 2012. The funny thing is, the first month is kind of a like a honeymoon period. You wake up when you want to, do what you want to, don’t do what you don’t want to, and feel this general sense of relaxation since you don’t have a set schedule as you don’t have to go to work anymore. You sleep pretty well and you have the free time to do practically anything.

Then it wears off.

Then the stress starts.

Okay, so it’s not like you thought getting hired for your dream job was going to be easy. It’s going to take time. You throw yourself into your writing while you’re praying to God (and sacrificing a goat just in case Satan’s listening) someone hires you. After all, your sales have been pretty consistent for the past few months and you’re slowly building readers, right?

Kevin Spacey WRONG

Out of the blue, September hits you with the biggest sales flat-line since you started self-publishing. I’m talking you don’t even make it into double digit sales per week. You close out your September sales with less money than you made in literally four hours at your previous day job. And October is looking to be the exact same way.

No big deal. Deep breath. You can totally handle it. It’s not like you became an author to get rich. It’s probably easier and more lucrative to sell crack than be a self-published author, after all. You’re in this because you love writing and you love stories and you want to share the reading/writing experience with your fellow man. That’s easy enough. It’s what the Internet is for—connecting people together across vast distances.

Except you kind of suck at it.

Twitter? Not that many followers. You get maybe a handful of replies per week. Maybe you should redirect your energy.

Tumblr? Oh, don’t talk about your book. No one cares unless it’s a natural recommendation from a book nerd. Just write occasional fanfics and reblog handsome celebrities and social justice speeches. Anything else and you get unfollowed en masse.

Facebook? Only a tenth of the people who liked your page see your posts, and even less than that like your posts? Right. Uh, keep trying. Maybe it’ll get better.

Then you’re lying in bed for a while, watching television because it’s a fantastic distraction from the horrible current state of your life, your manuscript untouched for days, and then a quiet little voice whispers in your ear the scariest words to any self-published author:

“Why bother?”

“What?” you sputter back indignantly.

“Why bother?” the voice continues. “What’s the point of putting yourself through this misery? You’ve been writing your whole life with nothing to show for it but a couple fans and a pocketful of change. You can’t make friends. You can’t get through to readers. You can’t even make enough money to get your own place by yourself. Just give up. You gave it your best shot. You’d make twice the money if you just settled for a job like your old day job. You’re never going to be the female Richard Castle. You’re never going to be a bestselling author of any sort. Better to figure that out now than before you use up all your savings and die in a gutter somewhere.”

“That’s pretty melodramatic,” you scoff.

“But it’s not far from the truth. Aren’t you tired of this? Aren’t you tired of being a nobody? Of putting yourself out there and almost never getting anything out of it?”

“I have gotten stuff out of it!” you argue. “I’ve met people! Not a lot of them, but enough. And I’ve met some really cool people who think my work is great.”

“Yes, and I’m sure you can pay your student loan bills with reviews,” the voice muses.

You hesitate. This a-hole has a point. Maybe you’re just being stubborn, chasing this dream of yours. Maybe it’s time you grew up and did what thousands of people do every day—shelve the dream in order to make a living. After all, you can’t get what you want. Who reads your work is beyond your control. You can’t hold a gun to your readers’ heads and order them to buy your books. You can’t threaten Bookbub into accepting your book. You can’t convince bloggers to review and spread word of your book on your own. Maybe it is time to throw in the towel. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe your work isn’t that good. Maybe it never will be. You have too many bills to pay. Time to get real.

But then you think about Stephen King’s On Writing. You think about how that man spent the better part of thirty years trying to get his feet beneath him, facing hundreds of rejections day in and day out. Sure, you’re nowhere near as good, but he’s fantastic and even he had to wade through the long stretch of no one knowing who he was or caring about the work he poured his sweat, blood, and liquor into.

“No one cared who I was until I put on the mask,” Bane said in The Dark Knight Rises. The fictional villain had a point. Nobody cares who you are. They won’t care until you’ve made it to the Big Time. Right now, it feels like you’ll never make it, but you’ll definitely never make if you give up. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll never be anything more than an underground author with a tiny fanbase of less than 100 people.

But guess what?

There is one goal you’re still meeting. You’re sharing your story with others, even if it’s not as many of them as you’d like. People are reading your work. People have made the choice to sit down one afternoon with your characters when they could be reading Stephen King or James Patterson or Suzanne Collins or J.K. Rowling. They said yes to you when they said no to so many others. For better or worse, they stuck with you, even if they end up disliking the book, even if they don’t want to move on through your series.

And that is why you still bother.

“Screw you!” you say cheerfully to the voice. “Maybe I’ll always struggle and not be where I want to be, but at least I met my original goal and not even you can take that away from me.”

The voice grumbles and shuffles off to that dark place in the back of your head, kicking over trash cans along the way. You turn off the television—well, after that Castle marathon on TNT ends—and crack your knuckles and open your Word document and get back to work.

You are a poor self-published vagrant and you’ve got work to do.

So keep doing it, against all odds, even those your own doubts and fears present.

Things The Dresden Files Taught Me About Writing

No love potions, please.

No love potions, please.

If you are not reading The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, slap yourself in the face right now.

Then go buy the whole series and neglect your real life for the next 72 hours while you read them.

I’ve read a ton of books in my lifetime, but honestly, this series is by far the best thing I’ve read so far. And I’m not trying to blow smoke up Jim Butcher’s ass now that I’ve met him. I’m dead serious. For years, I only read a couple books here and there, and then my brother let me read Storm Front. I haven’t loved a book series that much since the Redwall series by the late great Brian Jacques. The Dresden Files have everything I love about fiction all rolled into one, but it’s also an excellent series to use as a teaching tool to newbie authors like me, and not just those who write urban fantasy. Allow me to explain how Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden has made me a better writer (I think).

Write honestly. So if you know nothing about Harry Dresden, then let me tell you that there’s a reason he’s a bestselling character. You know all those smooth-talking, handsome, sexy, absurdly powerful P.I. characters you read about or see in films? Yeah, that’s not Harry. He’s awkward. Like, seriously awkward. He’s absolutely terrible with women—as in talking to them about anything vaguely romantic or sexual, or noticing when they find him attractive. He’s completely dense about the fairer sex and it takes him ages to get over his instinctive ‘gentlemanly’ schtick as he starts to realize the bad guys are exploiting his nice guy nature. He is also underpaid, underfed, and an unrepentant dork of the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars variety. Harry Dresden is not the ideal man you’d think of when you think ‘bestselling urban fantasy main character.’

And that’s why he works.

Harry Dresden is the kind of guy you’d meet, aside from being a wizard. This is where the ‘write honestly’ part comes in. Harry, to me, is someone you could run into at some point in your life—someone who is modest and genuinely nice but also is a complete smartass to make up for his lack of self-confidence. He’s self-sacrificing to a fault, and he has real internal struggles that make him so very easy to understand and root for. He spends much of the series simply trying to survive in this world of nasty supernatural beasties, and the reason why he’s so popular is because he’s an atypical protagonist. Urban fantasy tends to have confident, sexy, alpha male characters, and while Harry has a small streak of alpha male in him, that’s not who he is. He is perfectly happy blending into the background and supporting his friends and family whenever possible. He doesn’t run around looking for trouble.

Authenticity can be one of the most powerful weapons for a writer. Sure, it’s nice to read about a badass character who is the kind of person we all wish we were, but I think the reason the Dresden Files series is so successful is because Jim Butcher chose another direction entirely. Harry feels genuine. He feels like an honest character, someone you could bump into at a bookstore or at a Burger King (which is far more likely). I think they will stand the test of time much longer than the sensationalized ones that hit mega-fame for just being attractive or brazen.

Support your main character with the best and brightest. If for some insane reason you don’t immediately fall in love with Harry like I did, there’s good news. Harry’s friends (and later family) are some of the best written characters out there. You can’t spit without hitting an awesome supporting character in the Dresden Files (who will consequently kick your ass for spitting on them). You’ve got Karrin Murphy, Harry’s best friend (and girlfriend-in-denial), a Chicago detective; Thomas Raith, a White Court vampire and Harry’s casual acquaintance who later becomes more (don’t wanna spoil it, it’s worth the reveal); Waldo Butters, a coroner and part-time unofficial physician when Harry’s dumb lanky ass gets hurt; Michael Carpenter, a Knight of the Cross armed with an archangel’s sword; Molly Carpenter, Harry’s apprentice who is a Perky Goth with a bit of a crush on her mentor; and Bob the Skull, an air spirit of infinite knowledge who is British and also a total pervert. Those are just the main supporting protagonists. I’m not even naming other recurring characters and the long, long list of Harry’s enemies.

The thing that’s so great about these characters is that their lives don’t revolve around Harry, which is something that a lot of other authors make mistakes with on occasion. Harry usually tries to keep to himself, but he’s such a great and lovable guy that he attracts other people to him naturally. He’d rather stab himself in the groin than endanger his loved ones, but the good thing is, his friends all know he’s like that and ignore him and help him out anyway. They have their own set of personality traits and flaws and agendas, and they all work towards keeping Harry alive and kicking, but they also aren’t afraid to keep him in check. As the series progresses, Harry comes into his own and gathers quite a bit of power and abilities, and his friends are very aware that power corrupts. He’s a good man and always has been, but he’s also quite oblivious to things around him that change him unconsciously.

Writing great supporting characters is tough. One can tend to get laser-focused on the main lead and forget that other people have their own lives too, and the Dresden Files is one of those rare series that remembers that we are only seeing pieces of the tapestry. You have to step back to appreciate the whole thing, and each character is like a new color on that tapestry. If you just have white and black, you might not get that big of a crowd, but if you’ve chosen your colors well, then your chances of making it into a galleria are far better.

The main character is not Jesus. What I mean by ‘Jesus’ is that he or she is not going to be perfect, and if they are, you’d better knock them off that pedestal stat. As I mentioned in my first point, Harry is awkward and starts off with this archaic issue of always having to save or protect women he meets, but there are deeper issues inside him as well. It takes a bit to get him riled up, but Harry’s temper definitely gets him into a lot of trouble, and he is fiercely protective of women and children even after he gets over his chivalry problems. His enemies have noted how Harry can get if you push the right buttons, and he is far less pragmatic when he’s angry than when he’s calm.

Anyone who actually has read the Dresden Files knows what I’m getting at. The main reason I decided to write this blog post was to discuss the idea that your main character, at some point in your storyline, needs to screw up royally and ruin everything. And boy, does Harry do that in Changes, and then some.

I won’t reveal what Harry does, but let me just say that the ending to Changes was so traumatic that I (a) literally SLAPPED the book after I was done reading it (b) I was so affected by Harry’s choices that I couldn’t even pick up the next book and read it for two whole months (c) I tried to read the next book and couldn’t because I was still too upset and (d) I skipped to Cold Days just to alleviate my pain. While it was hell for me, this is exactly what should have happened.

I love Harry. I love him more than I loved a book character in my entire life. And he does something so stupid that I had to take a break from my beloved wizard to deal with it. I’ve never had such a strong reaction to a book before, and it took me a while to realize it wasn’t a bad thing. As an author, I want my readers to love my characters and want the best for them, but it’s also important to frustrate your readers and cause them to be at odds with the main character if you want to do more than simply entertain them. I think successful long-running series are the ones that get beneath your skin, and nothing does that better than seeing your favorite character do something that ruins their own life, especially if it’s because they had no choice. Harry didn’t have much of a choice for what he does in Changes, and that’s why it was a gamble. I’m sure a lot of readers couldn’t take that amount of pain and decided to quit. It was by far the most controversial ending in the series’ run. But, in my opinion, it was worth it for the pay off.

If you’ve read She Who Fights Monsters, you’ll see that I subscribe heartily to the ‘your character is not Jesus’ mentality. Jordan Amador is a flawed woman and she makes some seriously questionable decisions that will (and already have) piss off readers. The tricky part is making your readers have an emotion, even a negative one, but not pushing them to the point where they give up. Inevitably, some of them will, and that’s sad, but it’s also the risk you must take in order to grow. If you keep your character in a safe little bubble-wrapped box, they can’t grow. They will never grow unless you let all the bad stuff in to force them to toughen up and learn a lesson and become better. I think an author needs to be sadistic at least once in their series (and I literally told Jim Butcher as much when I met him, and he guffawed and gave me an evil smile and a facetious, “Oh, I’m sorry!”) in order to make a character to last through the ages.

I’ve gone on pretty long about this series, so let me simply say this: the Dresden Files is an incredible run with a character who is too lovable for words, but what one should take away from this is that it has a little bit of everything: laughter, heart-wrenching sorrow, action, adventure, mystery, and horror. For me, this series is the first that I’ve read that has an actual soul. It wasn’t written to make a quick buck. It was real and solid and you can feel it when you’re reading any one of the many books. I can’t recommend it hard enough, to be honest, because it’s what I consider to be a game-changer. If you want to learn more about good writing and taking risks, give it a read.

Parkour, bitch.

-Kyoko

In Defense of Lucy (2014)

 

Lucy 2014 poster

Alright, time for me to get a little salty with ya, Internet.

I admit that Lucy is nowhere near a perfect film. It’s got its share of problems; the first of which is the flawed scientific myth it springs its concept from, and then we have the false advertising in the trailer that made it look like an awesome telekinetic bad ass getting revenge on the people who experimented on her, and then the ineffectual policeman and his men who honestly shouldn’t have even been in the movie for all the difference they made. Like I said, it ain’t perfect.

But I’m not getting all the vitriol, especially from male geeks and nerds. So let’s play devil’s advocate for a second.

Overall, I’d give Lucy a solid B if you put a gun to my head. I think it accomplished more than what I expected, and perhaps that’s part of why people are so torn over the movie. It set a certain late summer blockbuster movie expectation, but it sure as hell wasn’t a summer blockbuster film. I actually think Lucy would’ve done better as a November cerebral flick without being sandwiched between Guardians of the Galaxy or Transformers 4. It’s unlike any of Luc Besson’s previous films (that I’ve seen, mind you, because I am a bit rusty. I’ve only seen a handful of his movies), in terms of the budget and the exploration of so many topics in just an hour and a half.

The reason I defend Lucy is because I think it’s a breath of fresh air in today’s world of “shut up and watch this movie and don’t think.” I mean, Transformers 4 made just as much as its predecessors even though it’s literally the same damn movie copy/pasted twice, except he changed the cast members and made Optimus a grumpy S.O.B instead of the fatherly leader we’ve known and loved our whole lives (seriously, do you remember that quote from the third film? “You may lose your faith in us, but never in yourselves.” THAT is Optimus Prime. He’s not some bloodthirsty asshole, even after we treated him like crap. Ugh, go die in a fire, Michael Bay.) Lucy doesn’t subscribe to the “think less, watch more” mentality, in my opinion, and I’ll try to explain why.

First of all, the thing I liked most about Lucy is the lady herself. She starts out just this normal girl and then some asshole tosses her into the worst situation imaginable, through no fault of her own except just having really bad taste in men. I like that she wasn’t some tough, bad ass with one-liners. I like she was just your average woman. She reacted so appropriately to that horrifically tense scene in the office where they made her open the case and then forced her to be a drug mule. As an author, it’s important to establish your character early on, and we got a really good sense of her characteristics through that traumatic experience, especially when she was in the car and she was trying to hold it together muttering about time just after Samuel’s lecture. That was brilliant done. Most people make the mistake of thinking that the only way to have a successful heroine is to make her a bad ass, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. There are plenty of non-action women who are just as important, layered, and interesting without starting off awesome. Furthermore, it’s such a great development to see her so scared and desperate to live through that horror and then transcend into this incredible goddess by the end of the film. I actually like the twist that Lucy wasn’t about a telekinetic demi-god running around beating up her former captors. I like that she started falling apart after a certain point in her transformation, and that her main goal was to buy time to stay alive so she could figure out what to do with her newly acquired knowledge. That is incredibly ambitious for a character in such a short movie, and I think it worked. I especially liked the ending line about “now you know what to do with it.” It’s a good nugget of wisdom, passing on knowledge to those behind us in order to improve their lives.

Second of all, I really like that she didn’t have a love interest (I don’t think the cop counts, hell, even he didn’t know why he was there, he said it to her at one point) and that the only male influences in the film were the a-holes who made her a drug mule and Samuel, who offered her advice on what to do with her new abilities. This is Lucy’s story. No one butted in. No one took control of the narrative from her. I didn’t get a nasty sense of misogyny like I have with stories like City of Bones, or even something as bad as True Blood where the writers want you to THINK the main female is independent when in reality, men control everything else around her. Lucy wasn’t a Faux Action Girl. She didn’t need anybody, even though you could tell they were trying to make it seem like she needed the cop, but that’s just poor writing. Female-centric stories are rare. It’s also why I fell in love with Maleficent. She was her own character. Sure, men had a HUGE influence on where her story went, but it was all about her actions, her love, her fear, her anger, and her motivations, not theirs. Lucy is the same, in my eyes. I felt a large amount of affection for Sam gently guiding her and not trying to exploit her in any way, because we all know that would’ve happened if she’d gone to an American laboratory. They’d have tried to kill her and cut her open to see if they could replicate what happened to her, much like how Bruce Banner was treated in The Incredible Hulk. To me, it was so cool to see them just stepping back in awe of such an incredible amount of power.

Third of all, I also liked that Lucy didn’t go full-tilt evil. Power corrupts. Lucy lost her sense of humanity, but I don’t think she lost every bit of herself by the end of the film. A lot of other writers might’ve made her the bad guy, like the disillusioned morons who wrote Transcendence, and I’m so glad they didn’t try to villainize intelligence in this film. Yes, it can be used for evil, but knowledge is the most valuable thing in the world when you consider the factor of time and what we will or could leave behind after we die. The film understood such a complex subject and gave us things to think about instead of trying to jam a message down our throats like Transcendence. I like that Lucy became ambiguous in terms of right and wrong, but she still clearly had some regard for human life or she would’ve just slaughtered all the men chasing after her. (Though, honestly, that did get on my nerves. I’d have just killed them. No sense in wasting time, but the screenwriters needed a final scene with conflict, so whatever.)

Lastly, I also appreciate that this is one of the few pro-knowledge films that didn’t feel the need to insult religion. No one spits on Christianity or Catholicism or any of the major worldwide religions. Thank you. I know the atheist crowd doesn’t care, but seriously, it’s a relief that they didn’t get up on a soapbox and preach about how science is the only way and people who believe are just ignorant jerks. It showed the Big Bang and evolution and everything, and that’s totally fine and factual, and just left religion out of the mix. It fit the tone and it was just plain polite of the filmmakers not to pick a fight for once.

I understand if people disagree with the direction the film decided to go in as opposed to how it was marketed, but I really think we have a hidden gem here that many people are overlooking. I’d say calm down and give it another watch when it hits the Redbox sometime. I mean, you had some incredible acting on Johansson’s behalf, a killer soundtrack, some stunning visuals that we haven’t seen from Luc Besson since his masterpiece The Fifth Element, a fully characterized and independent female protagonist, some diverse locations, and a straightforward plot. I’m not saying that it doesn’t have plotholes and long tangents, but I do think it was a unique experience for the 2014 movie year. I mean, come on. You can accept a mutated talking raccoon, but you can’t accept a lady with telekinesis? Don’t be that guy. Give her a chance. She may surprise you.

Of Monsters and Men

So one of my friends just discovered the morbid, juicy, horrifying joy of Hellsing Ultimate. I had been watching the OVAs on and off for the past few years, but I finally finished all ten of them sometime last year. Due to our recent conversations regarding the infamous Alucard, I felt the urge to pop by for a quick chat about our beloved vampire and what his archetype means to me as a writer.

Now, I’m sure you might be confused as to why I didn’t title this blog post “What Hellsing Ultimate Taught Me About Writing.” That’s mainly because this is less focused on the subject of writing and a little more focused on the general concept of villain protagonists, and bad boys in general. Hellsing Ultimate has certainly done a lot of things for me (scared me shitless, made me laugh my ass off, and prove that there is no going back once you find a vampire who has killed 3.4 million people attractive), but it’s not so much lessons as it is just eye opening introspection.

However, I’m getting ahead of myself. For those who aren’t in the know, Hellsing Ultimate is a set of Original Video Animations that are based on the manga entitled Hellsing by Kouta Hirano. It deals with Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, the head of an organization in charge of stopping supernatural threats under orders from the queen in the 1800’s. Integra is the master of Alucard, the No Life King, aka the most powerful vampire who has ever existed and will ever exist. There’s a reason his name is Dracula backwards, people, and you will find out why within the first five minutes of meeting him. I can only recommend the series to those with a strong stomach. The manga was first adapted as a short series with the same title in 2001, but it did deviate from the canon so it was remade with a bigger budget and better visuals in 2006. It is without a doubt the most violent and disturbed anime I’ve watched from start to finish. Granted, there are worse out there (oh God bless you if you’ve watched Berserk or Gantz, ugh), but Hellsing Ultimate is special because it’s so dark and twisted yet compelling and beautiful.

The reason why I’ve chosen Hellsing Ultimate as a subject for a blog post is because I’m beginning to realize why we have so many bad boys in modern day fiction of any media. Now, I use this term incredibly loosely with regards to Alucard. Alucard is a straight up villain, no bones about it. He murders other vampires and supernatural beings not because they hurt the innocent, but because it’s bloody fun to him. He’s a blood knight. He enjoys slaughtering his opponents and drinking their blood and generally being the strongest being in the known universe. By all accounts, we should be rightfully repulsed and terrified by him…and yet, we aren’t (or at least I’m not). Why? Because Alucard has layers. Tons and tons of layers.

For example, Alucard’s relationship to his master, Integra, is by far his biggest saving grace. If this were any other stereotypical mature shonen manga series, Alucard would’ve turned Integra into his slave and had his way with her, but this series was written by someone who has a taste for excellent writing. Alucard is without a doubt attracted to Integra because of her strength and unflinching sense of duty. It’s relatively clear that if she allowed it, he would be her lover, but she doesn’t for several different reasons. Throughout the series, we come to find out that he not only respects Integra, but he has genuine affection for her as a character. The proof comes in the very last scene of the OVA (BIG HONKIN’ SPOILER ALERT) where after a thirty year absence, Alucard returns to his beloved master. The normally stoic Integra tells him that she’s become nothing more than a grandma (slang term, she didn’t have kids, the translation is “obaa-chan”, in case you’re wondering), and how does Alucard respond? “That’s fine.” And then you see the tenderness in his eyes as they exchange the final lines:

Integra: Welcome home, Count.

Alucard: I am home, Countess.

Holy. Crap. I’ve watched Alucard tear hundreds of people apart with his bare hands (and teeth) like they were dinner rolls, and yet this guard dog of infinite wickedness becomes gentle in the presence of his master. Hell, one of the most telling things about Alucard  is that he loves the fact that he’s her servant. He only threatens her once when she was a teenager and they met for the first time. He doesn’t attack her or sexually assault her or anything. That is incredibly interesting to me as both a writer and just a fangirl in general. Mind you, Integra is NOT a vampire. She has no powers. She’s just a tough dame and that was enough to impress the most powerful vampire in the world. You can’t beat that, man. That’s good writing.

Now, let’s swing around to the main course. My attachment to Alucard has crept through in my recent work, as I’ve come to realize while I’m editing the final draft of She Who Fights Monsters. I admit that my main villain, Belial, has more than a little Alucard in him. First of all, Belial’s character model looks like this in my head:

Itadakimasu-v01-c05-p157

 

Second of all, Belial has exactly one redeeming quality and that is his strange connection with Jordan. If you’ve read the first novel, you know that he is not a nice man. He’s a murderer and a liar and he has every intention of ruling the earth someday. However, I could have just made him a one note villain (after all, Mulciber is a static villain), but something told me to go a different way with him. I like the idea that not all villains are 100% pure evil with nothing else to them. I like seeing villains who have layers and depth instead of just twirling their mustaches and plotting the demise of the protagonist. I especially like if they can be civil about it, because there’s nothing as amusing as a villain who is polite and well-spoken, but can also tear your head off without blinking. It’s fun to explore the concept of restraint, because if we’re being honest, both Alucard and Belial could have taken what they wanted at a moment’s notice, but that would defeat the purpose of their characters.

Bad boys tend to stick with me more than good guys (for the most part, trust me, I like my nice guys like Hercules, Harry Dresden, Kenshin Himura, Phoebus, and Suou Tamaki) because there’s the constant struggle between being evil and having a less-than-monstrous side to them. It’s exactly why I’ve become a total sucker (haha, I made a PUN) for Integra/Alucard fanart now. I love seeing this gigantic, long-limbed, maniacal bad ass so tenderly wrapped around his master like a big evil puppy. It’s so incredibly ridiculous and yet it works. Alucard, and subsequently Belial, are not Jerks with Hearts of Gold, but they do have a soft spot for exactly one person in their lives, and that’s why I enjoy them. I think that’s why our monster men are the ones we remember more readily than our valiant knights in shining armor.

…*cough* And it doesn’t hurt that Alucard looks like this on a semi-regular basis:

I REGRET NOTHING.

And I hope you were able to get something out of this post other than “OMFG BAD BOYS R SO CUTE.” I swear, I had a point I was making. I just got distracted by the pretty. No, seriously, though, don’t fall in love with Alucard. He’d eat you for breakfast and keep your blood in a wine glass by his coffin at night. That’s not a euphemism either.

I bid thee good day, my darlings. Thanks for reading.

-Kyoko

On Endings

The_Holy_Dark_3_final_Front

So I finished the final installment to The Black Parade series a few days ago.

Hoo boy.

Prior to the third book, whose working title is The Holy Dark if you must know, I’ve written and finished three books–two novels and a novella. However, I’ve never written a series before and the first thing I have to say is, God bless the crazy sons of bitches who write long running series. I mean, seriously, The Black Parade series is just a trilogy, and I had the HARDEST time keeping everything in line. I think as authors we tend to take certain things for granted when we write. For instance, I didn’t realize just how long The Holy Dark was until I went through and began formatting it and doing the superficial edit.

The Holy Dark’s first draft is 168,197 words. Let’s do a comparison, shall we?

The Hobbit: 95,022 words

The Fellowship of the Ring: 177,227 words

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: 190,637 words

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: 198,227 words

Are you beginning to see my plight here? I’m nowhere near as good as the above authors, but my word count is approaching their glorious numbers and it’s slightly terrifying. However, when I researched word counts of famous novel series, I did notice a trend. They do increase in word count the longer on they continue, and I think it has a lot to do with the process of writing towards the end of a series.

As I wrote The Holy Dark, there were all kinds of things that I had to keep in mind to tie up by the conclusion of the novel. Jordan and Michael’s stories span three books, and several storylines intersect with each other. We also meet new characters in the second and third novels who also have their own lives and stories and backstories. It’s like balancing spinning plates after a certain point. The reason why The Holy Dark took me so long to write (I started it in May 2013 and finished it just after New Years) is because I didn’t fully understand what it takes to end a series. There’s so much material to cover. There are your individual character arcs, the romantic character growth between Jordan/Michael and Jordan/Belial, the series long arc of the battle between the Seers and the demons, the ramifications of what happened in the previous novels, and then the actual plot of the current novel. Does your head hurt yet? Mine certainly does.

Endings, to me, are usually a little easier than beginnings. The original beginning to The Black Parade was Jordan reliving the night she killed Mr. N, but two separate critique groups talked me out of it because action-heavy beginnings with no context tend to work better in movies than in novels. Thus, we had our quiet but tense opening with Jordan waking up and starting her day as a Seer. However, the ending to The Black Parade was pretty much set in my head in general terms. I knew where her character would end up. Same deal for She Who Fights Monsters. The Holy Dark’s ending was a vague concept in my head, but how I got there was nothing short of a doozy. This is the first novel I’ve ever written where the beginning was a lot easier than the ending.

For instance, the first draft of THD is actually the second draft. The first time I wrote it, I got to 50,000 words in about two months. Then I stopped, read it, and panicked because the pacing was dreadful. The plot stopped and started and coughed and wheezed and begged to be put out of its misery. Thus, I had a long chat with my writing sensei and he helped figure out why the novel had such horrendous pacing issues. I had so many scenes that I wanted to write before the series ended that the flow of the novel felt unnatural and stilted. I took everything back to the drawing board, deleted big chunks, altered the narrative, and started up again. I did well for several months and then the end of the year hit. I had so many hours at my retail day job that I missed my 2013 deadline because so much of the story had piled up that I didn’t have time to type it all out. My fingers just weren’t fast enough.

What I’ve learned over the course of writing this first draft is that endings can be difficult because one worries about satisfaction. Is the end of the series satisfying? Where does everyone end up after their three book long journey? What have they learned? What have they gone through? How has it changed them? Is the conflict real and personal? Is it something readers will relate to and cherish? There are so many expectations that consciously and unconsciously crop up when you read the final novel in a series.

For example, I’m not a fan of Mockingjay because it felt overstuffed and convoluted. I liked The Hunger Games the best out of the novels because it was succinct and profound. It also had much less of the Peeta/Katniss/Gale love triangle, which I personally find to be pointless. Katniss is not the kind of girl who needs to be torn over two boys. It’s quite clear that she has romantic feelings for Peeta, not Gale, and I worry that Suzanne Collins dragged the love triangle out for the sake of drama, and not because it needed to be there. Now, granted, I’m sure I will get the same criticism in the future because I’ve got my own love triangle going in my series, but I’m just being honest. Either way, The Hunger Games is still one of the best contemporary novel series of all time. I bring it up because my expectations for where the story would end up was way different from how it actually did. I don’t think that authors should pander to their audiences and fret over what they would enjoy reading, but I do think it’s part of the writing experience anyway. It’s what I struggled with during the epilogue of THD because I had scenes that I wanted to write that I felt the readers would enjoy, but since they weren’t plot relevant, I felt the urge to leave them out. After all, nothing gets people crankier than a too-sweet happy ending. I tend to lean towards bittersweet endings because they are more realistic. It’s the same reason why Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’ epilogue is so controversial–a lot of it reads like lousy fanfiction. Being too saccharine in your ending can color the whole series. Hell, my mother and I discussed this last night with the movie Sweet November. We actually liked the movie itself…until the ending. The ending blew it. It just blew. It was a dumb, unsatisfying cop out. That ending ruined the entire experience and cost the people who made it a sale (I found the movie for cheap at a game store and thought about buying it, but then I remember that FUBAR ending and chose not to instead). It’s the same with novels. You can write something beautiful and emotionally crippling, but if you screw up the ending, it can poison your entire series.

Now compact everything I’ve said and shove it inside your ear. That’s how my brain feels right now. Endings are a pain in the ass. This is a shout out to every single author who has ended a novel series: you are incredible and I hope you know that with all your heart. My stories aren’t nearly as complex as something like George R. R. Martin or J.K. Rowling, and they somehow have endings. I will absorb these authors’ wisdom into my own body like an amoeba before I start the first round of editing.

The nice thing about being an author is that you can always change. You can move chapters around. You can delete them. You can expand. You can chase down new plot threads and character arcs and nail them into place. As a wise Autobot once said, freedom is the right of all sentient beings, and I think that is most true with writing. The Holy Dark kicked my skinny ass up and down the year 2013, but it taught me more than I think the first two novels combined. It’s scary to think I won’t be writing about Jordan, Michael, Gabriel, and Belial in the future, but these characters have been beyond fun to write over the past five years. I think that’s also why the ending was so difficult. I wanted to put them to rest with all the respect that I could because they’ve been keeping me company for so long. I suppose that’s sentimental (and borderline clinically insane), but hey, that’s how I roll.

Welcome to 2014, people. Big things are in our future. Stay tuned for more.

-Kyoko

On Sexism and Misogyny in SFF

"What do you mean 50 Shades of Grey out-sold Harry Potter?!"

“What do you mean 50 Shades of Grey out-sold Harry Potter?!”

This past week, a buddy of mine and I somehow got into a conversation about representation of women, particularly in science fiction and fantasy movies. At some point, he pointed out how sad it is that rape is too often used as an excuse to show how “evil” a villain is when in fact there are plenty of other ways to indicate it without demeaning women and dredging up unnecessary and unpleasant implications. This discussion really got me thinking about one of the most difficult hurdles I’ve been facing both writing and marketing The Black Parade.

First off, let me just say that I still can’t believe sexism is a thing. Seriously. Women are just people without penises. Why is that hard to comprehend? Anyway, moving on—one of the most commons issues in sci-fi and fantasy is the characterization of the fairer sex. It can fall short for several reasons—stereotyping, laziness, misunderstanding the traits that make women who they are, good old fashioned misogyny—and it’s not limited to urban fantasy, nor is it specific to novels.

For instance, allow me to make a really large group of nerds angry: I don’t like how George Lucas writes women. I truly don’t. I don’t think he’s the worst guy out there, but I actually spent an hour debating with my writing sensei about the characterization of Marion Ravenwood from Raiders of the Lost Ark. For the longest time, I never understood why fans of the movies worshipped Marion and yet they hated Willie from Temple of Doom with a purple passion. I rewatched Raiders recently and I still found Marion to be a useless, shrieking harpy, and I find the fact that people call her an “Action Girl” insulting. She had exactly one useful trait and that was that she had the medallion. Otherwise, there was no reason to write her into the film because they never fully explore her backstory and so she has no personal stake in the story. People point out that they hate Willie because she bitches and moan at every opportunity (and she was doing the director and that’s how she was cast, which I get), but watch the movie again and count how many times Marion whines about something or shrieks Indy’s name. It’s kind of a lot. Plus, all she does is get rescued over and over again throughout the movie, and I don’t think that I should give her points for trying to escape because it still doesn’t make her useful or likable. She talks shit to the bad guys without being able to back it up and she has a serious attitude problem that made me want her face to get melted by the end of the movie.

Now, my Marion Ravenwood rant isn’t here just to enrage some nerds. I’m making a point. I think she was poorly written and executed, but I also think that Lucas did a much better job with Elsa from The Last Crusade. Consider this: she was beautiful, educated, motivated, useful, and cunning. She had her own thoughts and beliefs that were independent from Indy, whereas the other two girls just followed him around and did everything he told them to. She actively disagreed with him and even had the acting chops to trick him into giving her what she wanted. She was a slimy, selfish, ambitious hussy. And guess what? That was fantastic writing. Elsa was a bad girl, one of the worst, and that’s why I liked her. She was still gorgeous and feminine, but she was complicated and layered. With Marion and Willie, what you see is what you get. Not so with Elsa.

So maybe I’m not crazy about Lucas writing women. There are oodles of other beautiful ladies out there kicking butt, right? Of course. I’m proud to see the frothing sea of awesome women in fiction, from books to plays to anime to movies. Hell, I’ve even pointed out my favorite ones before. However, the reason why I felt the need to make a post is because we’re approaching some sort of horizon where the sexism in fiction is going to have to face a major shift.

I made a recent post about the importance of Katniss Everdeen both as a character and as a representation of a sadly underappreciated demographic of women. The current problem in our society is that for every fantastic, well written female protagonist, we have bucketfuls of awful ones. The fact that Bella Swan and Ana Steele will go down in history as two of the most profitable female characters in our history makes me want to Hulk Out and thrash someone Loki-style. Is it true that some women are doormats and hopelessly codependent? Sure. Should we be glorifying it to young, impressionable teens? HELL NO.

And while we’re on the subject, I’ll have to bring up another point that enrages me to the depths of my soul. The third installment to the Chronicles of Riddick series came out a few months ago. Did you see it? I bet you a nickel that you didn’t. Why? It was poorly done and no one cared because Pitch Black was perfect and didn’t need sequels. But that’s not my point.

The Mary Sue made an excellent article that pointed out how unacceptably misogynistic Riddick was and there were tons of comments supporting it, mine included. How is it that the writers/director wrote a movie about a bunch of mercenaries hunting a serial killer on a planet infested with killer aliens…and somehow came out with rampant sexism? The sole female character in the film is constantly verbally harassed by her male counterparts, is the only one to have a pointless topless scene, and contributes little to nothing to the overall story. Oh, and her name sounds like the word “doll.” If you’ve seen Pitch Black, this should make you absolutely furious. Richard B. Riddick is not sexist. Hell, the only reason he doesn’t leave Jack and Imam to die on the planet alone in Pitch Black is because of Carolyn Fry’s bravery and willingness to redeem herself. He actually sheds a tear when she sacrifices herself to save his life at the end. Are you kidding me? How could one possibly make a film so excellent and then write a sequel that is insulting to the very memory of the awesome female characters in Pitch Black?

My attempts to explain this phenomenon unfortunately bring me no comfort. The only reasons I can rationalize are (1) the writers/director decided that it was more important to pander to the He-Man Woman Hater side of the fanbase who thinks women are just things to be objectified (2) they failed to realize that writing a rapist into a story with only one female character makes you look like an insensitive sexist jerkoff. Rape is not to be taken lightly, and it is way too overused in the sci-fi/fantasy genres. There are other ways of presenting threats that don’t have anything to do with sexual interest. This is not to say that no one should ever discuss the subject, (it comes up in my work in small doses) but when it’s used for lazy purposes, it can be insulting to the characters and make the audience angry or uncomfortable. When used that way, it brings up the nasty idea that women can never be the equals with men because most men will never have to worry about the threat of rape unless they go to jail. There are plenty of differences between the male and female experiences. We are obligated as writers to explore them, but that is where the problem with equality in gender representation comes into play. Writing rape as a backstory should never be a shortcut just to squeeze a few tears out of the readers, nor should it just be an easy way to show that a bad guy is really bad.

One last distressing notion is women who are sexist against other women in fiction. It sounds confusing out loud, but sadly, there are a lot of female authors who talk shit about certain kinds of women whom they dislike for whatever reason. It’s time that I draw a line in the sand. If any of you have seen my Youtube series, you know that I greatly dislike the recent works of Laurell K. Hamilton, author of the Anita Blake vampire hunter series. I say recent because the first nine books, while not perfect, are pretty damn good. I grew up reading them. Then I got to Narcissus in Chains and it all came crashing down.

The problem with authors like Hamilton is that they think they are part of the solution when they are in fact part of the problem. For instance, in Cerulean Sins (the novel following Narcissus in Chains), Anita says that one of her clients is not a “liberated woman” because she prefers to be called by her husband’s last name and likes being a wife and mother. Anita’s vastly ignorant statement is not satire or criticism or a character flaw. This bitch actually believes that housewives aren’t “liberated women.” Let that sink in for a minute or two, and then please feel free to flood the author’s Inbox with hatemail at your leisure. In addition to that nonsense, Anita actively bashes feminine women (particularly tall blondes since she is a short brunette), and her author makes a point to show every other woman as either a psychotic kinky slut or a jealous whiner who hates that Anita has a huge harem of supernatural men who follow her around begging her to have awesome sex with them all the time. She makes sure that the male characters constantly dump undeserved praise all over Anita and the only time men don’t want in her pants is when they are gay. All of this is done in a vain attempt to prove how “tough” and “special” Anita is as a character, but all it truly does is make me want to take all of the books after NiC and have a bonfire out in my front yard with them.

Slut shaming is a huge problem in urban fantasy fiction where the female protagonists often have multiple love interests and steamy sex scenes. Sleeping with a bunch of guys can be ill-advised and dangerous, but there is no reason to try to reverse this problem by absolving a main character from any wrongdoing related to sex by making it forced on her by magic. Anita Blake is now a canon serial rapist thanks to vampire mumbo jumbo that forces her to bang her harem boys every day or she’ll die. She’s essentially a succubus with a serious chip on her shoulder. This is and always has been unacceptable. She’s nothing but a Straw Feminist. Hamilton builds up easy targets so she can mow them down with insulting, snotty comments that she thinks make her a feminist and a “liberated woman.” Don’t believe me? Watch the following.

The final point is this: the only way to combat sexism and misogyny in our favorite fiction is to simply speak up about it. Any authors worth their salt hungrily devour their readers’ comments, and if they are well-meaning authors, they can address these issues. Few writers go into a project wanting to make enemies. For the most part, they want their readership to be happy with what they’ve done. That’s why it’s so important to stand up for things that are generally awful like Riddick and Narcissus in Chains. That’s why it’s important for authors to read lots of material and recognize the signs of bad female characterization. It may happen by accident, but it’s still something that can be remedied. Everyone wants to be represented fairly. Women are no different. We’re fantastic and flawed. Write us that way.

-Kyoko

The Top 8 Self-Publishing Myths

This lady knows.

This lady knows.

Self-publishing is a lot of things. It’s scary, exciting, and still in its toddler stages, stumbling around bumping into tables and giggling as it spins around in circles with a bucket on its head. However, with the rise of self-published fiction smashing through the bestsellers lists, there is also a huge section of mass media devoted to exploiting it. Particularly, the sleazy jerks who keep perpetuating myths about self-publishing in order to sucker new authors into giving them money. I’ve been a self-published author for almost five and a half months. I’m going to give you the skinny on some of the bullcrap I’ve heard from these snake oil salesmen in the hopes that it may someday help a newbie author avoid falling under their spells.

8. “You’ll be the next E.L. James!” Not that you’ll write terrible smut based on terrible teen vampire fiction, but your self-published novel will fly off shelves and sell a billion copies and you’ll be a household name overnight and you’ll have so much money that you can swim through it like Scrooge McDuck. Nu-uh. There are hundreds of websites and spambots out there lurking with links to teach you how to become a bestseller, but don’t you dare listen to them. What I’m about to say is disheartening, but it’s totally true: there is no magic bean that you can plant and grow your novel into a bestseller. There just isn’t. You’re going to be tempted by all kinds of Twitter accounts and blog posts that swear they can teach you how to become E. L. James, but while they might be able to help you get exposure, it ain’t gonna happen. There is no bonafide, 100% definite way to become a self-published bestseller. Get that thought out of your head first before you do anything else. Otherwise, it will only hurt you more.

7. “You can totally design the cover yourself. You don’t need a professional graphic designer or artist!” NO. STOP THAT. NO. *whaps you on the nose with a newspaper* This is just plain offensive to me. You know that old saying, “You can’t judge a book by its cover”? That only applies to people, not actual books. Ironic, but true. Do not—I repeat, DO NOT—open Microsoft Word or Paint and fart around for two hours and claim that you’ve got a good enough cover to sell to people for actual money. You must be an advanced user of Photoshop, or any of the other massively successful art design software, in order to make your own cover for your book. I don’t care if you only write short stories or anthologies or autobiographies. Do not shortchange an entire industry’s worth of madly talented people by thinking it’s just a “do-it-yourself” project.

Most people choose to look at a book up close based on the cover. It’s all about your color scheme and who or what appears there. If you don’t believe me, check out your own bookshelf. Pick about five books and spread them out over your bed. Which ones did you pick? How did you notice them in order? Do you remember the story behind how you bought it? I guarantee that at least three out of the five books you pick were chosen because of a vibrant cover.

Your cover is like a tiny little boat you send out on the ocean. You don’t want a boat full of holes that is duct taped together. You want it to be sea-worthy. No one said you had to empty out your piggy bank and buy the most expensive, lavish cover of all time. You simply need to have a legit, eye-catching, professional cover. There are affordable options out there for you to use, so please, PLEASE use them. Nothing kills your chances better than a crappy cover. NOTHING.

6. “You don’t need an editor! You can totally self-edit!” NO. What did I say? *whaps you on the tuchus with newspaper* This is also very hard to hear when you’ve got shallow pockets and have lived as a broke ass college student for years. Many people think they are good editors. Many authors think they can catch their own mistakes. To quote our beloved Lex Luthor… “WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!”

We are human. We have eyeballs. We also have a skewed perception of our own writing. If you’re a novelist like I am, when you read your own work, you often enter the state of mind you were in while you were writing the draft. This causes a phenomenon where your eyes will see what you thought you wrote, and not what is on the paper. This is exactly why experts like Chuck Wendig and Stephen King suggest either reading your work out loud or printing it out and following along with a red pen and your finger. If you stare a computer screen for a living, chances are, your eyes are filtering out a LOT of stuff. You’re never going to be able to catch all your own mistakes, no matter how talented you are, no matter how sharp your eyesight is, no matter how baller your B.A. in English Literature might be. Short of being a god, you can’t do it.

Authors are stubborn people. Most of them don’t want to hear this, but it’s the truth. However, the good news is that editing is also something that isn’t as hard to find as one thinks. The nice thing is that many professional editors and copy writers and beta readers are willing to work out a payment plan. You can have them edit sections and pay them for what you can afford rather than breaking the bank.

The only way to be a successful, professional self-published author is to present professional work. No matter how spunky and awesome your main character is, or how fresh your poetry sounds, no one is going to give a crap if you have run on sentences and dangling participles and comma diarrhea. Editing is your friend. Your best friend. Your hot best friend you have unresolved feelings for in your pants. Indulge them.

5. “Social media is optional. All you need to do is write the book and it sells itself.” Have you ever seen a television show that doesn’t have commercials for it? No? Then why in blue perfect hell would anyone think you can sell a book without marketing it? I know it sucks. I know it’s hard. I know it’s like screaming into a black hole. However, it’s necessary.

Without a publisher or a literary agent, you are the focal point. Every success is going to be on your shoulders, and thus, every failure will also be on your shoulders. Social media is often difficult and frustrating to navigate, but the reward is worth the trouble.

However, let’s take an aside and discuss the difference between marketing a self-published novel and hawking a self-published novel. Your goal is to create interest through conversation and engagement. You are not the old janitor on that Chappelle’s Show sketch going, “HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA I’M TRYNA HOLLA ATCHA BITCH DONCHA HEAR ME?!” That is irritating and it’s not going to get you anywhere. For unknown authors, it takes a year minimum to build anything resembling a following for your book, no matter what genre it’s in. There are all kinds of social media suited for your needs—starting with Twitter and Facebook and expanding outward to Tumblr, Reddit, Pinterest, and Youtube. You have plenty of chances to test them out and see which one works best for you. It’s all about trial and error. Some people will run right out and buy your book. Thousands will pass. Some will put in on their shelf to read later. Don’t cry. It’s all a part of the game. If you write a good book and you take the time to learn how to engage people, you’ll get there. Be patient. Be stubborn. Believe.

4. “Reviews will pour in unprovoked. Just give it time.” So I’ve already mentioned how vital it is to get a good, professional cover for your book. It’s enormously important. However, one thing people sometimes gloss over is reviews for a book. This applies in particular to online retailers like Amazon, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, and iBookstore. Most people who are considering whether or not to buy a book need a tipping point. This refers to a number of good reviews, or a number of reviews in general, that confirm their belief about if they want to take a chance on your book or not.

Sadly, lack of reviews is no reflection on the quality of a book. Neither is a surplus of reviews. (I mean, come on, look at how many reviews Twilight has. Jeebus.) However, it is still an important numerical figure that will impact your potential readers whether you like it or not. How do you fix this problem? Fortunately, it’s not impossible to find a solution.

The first step is politely asking friends and family to read and review the book. This may make you uncomfortable and insecure, but it’s usually the easiest way to get about three to ten positive reviews for free. After all, in the beginning, it’s about getting the ball rolling. If your friends or family members are hesitant, tell them they don’t have to be detailed– just write a paragraph about what they liked or why they liked it. Most of them will say yes if you ask for something that simple.

The second step is to find a database of book bloggers and book reviewers who review your genre and create a wishlist for yourself. Read their submission terms from top to bottom and choose the ones you believe will read and enjoy your novel. Do not create a chain email and blast them all. You will not get a response. That’s rude and disrespectful. If you expect them to take the time to read your book, you must take the time to ask them in a professional manner. This is quite time consuming to do, though, so it’s best to knock it out a handful at a time. Do a couple a day throughout the week. Some will not respond, some will say no, but some will say yes, and they are very important for the future of your work. If you get them hooked and you’re writing a series, chances are that you can rely on them to review your second or third book when it comes out. Brand loyalty is a good thing, trust me.

The third step is to then post your book somewhere where reviews are frequently read and are detailed, like Good Reads. Most people on Amazon will pop by and read the best and worst reviews of a product. People on Good Reads do the same, but they expect quality rather than volume. They expect to find out exactly what went right or wrong with the novel instead of a general overview of the contents that you usually find on Amazon or other book retailers. This is going to be a slow burn as most self-published novels tend to get buried underneath the traditionally published ones on Good Reads, but it can definitely help your book get a good reputation. If people see that it is shelved and positively reviewed a lot, chances are they’ll put it on their own shelf to read someday.

3. “You don’t have to get a professional website/blog. Any one will do.” Jim Butcher once said, “Keep conducting yourself like a professional, and you’ll get someone to believe that you are one. If you’re lucky, maybe even yourself.” Traditionally published authors have to conduct themselves like professionals (unless they are Laurell K. Hamilton, but that’s a story for another day…) in order to keep selling books. People take them seriously because they have well-made book covers, nifty Twitter pages, and easy to use websites. You should do the same because while you may not have a big, wealthy publisher backing you up, you still need the same prestige and reputation that is entailed with being a professional author.

Websites can also get expensive and painful for your wallet, but the best thing to do is start small. Start with any of the free web domain hosts and work from there little by little. Include all the things that make you interesting and back-link your social media to land on your homepage. The website will eventually become the central hub for your online presence. You want it to become a Launchpad not only for your book, but also for any other activities that you do as an author, and as a person. Creative people typically have more than one outlet, and your website is the best way to show people that you can do stuff other than write about pretty men and sarcasm.

2. “Your book is unique and that’s why it’s going to sell millions!” Take a note from Tyler Durden, babies. “You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all a part of the same compost pile.” As harsh as that sounds, it’s also the truth. There is nothing new under the sun. Your novel is not the most original thing on the earth. I promise you that you can Google the plot of your book and find it’s been done somewhere else. Hell, someone might even do it better. But that’s not my point.

My point is, so what? Why should I read your book? Why should anyone? What’s your angle? Why should anyone give a rat’s left buttcheek about what you have to say? That should be your main focus as a self-published author—separating yourself from the pack. People don’t buy McDonalds because it’s delicious and nutritious. They buy it because it’s hot, cheap, and fast. That is what makes Mickey D’s different from the other chains. What you have to do is create that distinction as a self-pub author. You have to create more than just a great book. You have to create your own experience, your own brand, in order to draw in readers.

Think about your favorite authors, not their work, but who they are as people. How many of them do you know on a personal level? Are they funny? Are they quirky? What makes you care about them, and subsequently care about their work? These are the things that create longevity for authors both traditionally and self-published. If you can prove to the readers that what you have to offer is worth their time, then they will stick with you regardless of if your work is “original” or not. You have to connect with them in order to get your book in their hands. It won’t happen by magic fairy fart gas. It’s you.

1. “Anyone can be a writer, even you!” So most people in the world have hands with all ten fingers, and they can take these fingers and use them to scribble with a pencil, or pen, or the blood of children, and create something called writing. Technically, anyone can perform the act of writing.

But that doesn’t mean that they should.

Yes, anyone CAN be a writer, but not everyone can be a GOOD writer. One of the greatest lies self-publishing has taught the world is that anyone can write and publish. This is horseshit. Total butt-droppings of epic proportions. For as many beautiful authors as there are out there, there are a hundred-thousand hacks who will flood the market with steaming dung-heaps. I mean, Stephen Colbert did a segment on a section of published fanfiction that features human on velociraptor action of the sexual nature. So, no. Everyone can’t be a writer. Everyone can’t even be sane, let alone write.

This is where you come in. You will have to do everything you can to make a life jacket to help your book float to the top of the shit-ocean. No one said you had to be Stephen King, but you have to know the actual craft of good writing before you even attempt to self-publish. You don’t have to have a fancy edumacation or anything, but you do need to know the basics. You need to know about grammar and language laws. You need to know about story arcs and character development. You need to read awesome literature and then read terrible literature, and then understand what makes them different. Do this and you will be a good writer who sells books. Don’t do this, and Godzilla will creep up on your someday and ejaculate into your eyes. You can quote me on that.

And those are the biggest myths that I’ve heard as a self-published author. This subject is still on going, though, so I suspect there will be a part two to this list in the not-too-distant future. However, don’t be discouraged by anything that I’ve said. All that I intend to do with this post is set the record straight and keep new authors from falling into the Rancor pit. Pick up your light saber, young Skywalker, and prepare for your journey.

-Kyoko

Things Avatar: The Last Airbender Taught Me About Writing

ATLA poster

The second season of The Legend of Korra is ending soon. I, uh, wish I had better things to say about it, but that’s a story for another time. With season two on its way out, I’m feeling a bit nostalgic for the show that got it all started.

Have you seen this show? If you have, high-five. If you haven’t, hold up your left hand, extend your first finger, and jab yourself in the eye. Hard. After you see the eye doctor and he okays your vision, then go out and buy the DVDs. It’s that good. Thus, I will spend a minute or two talking about all the wondrous things this delightful animated show has taught me.

Underage characters are just as interesting as adult characters. Anyone with experience in reading Young Adult fiction, or who frequently watches cartoons/anime intended for children, has heard this tired, common complaint. Unfortunately, a lot of folks think that just because a novel/short story/cartoon/anime stars a child, it won’t be as good as something with a teenager or adult protagonist. This is such pure bologna that it should be represented by Oscar Meyer. Children are interesting. They are engrossing. They are capable of incredible things, whether they are good or bad. Avatar TLA knew this right of the gate. It introduced us to one of the most amazing spread of characters in all of animated history. Every kid had their own personality, their own agenda, their own beliefs, and their own dreams/goals. It is simply staggering to know that there are seven main young characters (and that’s just the ones central to the plot: Aang, Katara, Sokka, Toph, Zuko, Suki, and Azula) and every single one of them develops and changes over the course of three seasons. Age only determines the way certain things unfold within a story. It often does not limit the spectrum or scope of things that happen. These kids still deal with all the horrible parts of life that adults face at one time or another: violence, rage, hatred, racism, sex, fear, faith, and that’s just for starters. The writers (affectionately called “Bryke” for Brian Konietzko and Martin Dante DiMartino, because both their names are a mouthful) did not treat their audience like drooling infants. They wrote the Gaang the way all shows should hope to—with balance, maturity, and respect.

‘The Chosen One’ trope is not always a cliché. Everyone knows this trope: the “one” who is prophesized to end a war or battle of some sort. It’s been around since the Bible days—Jesus, Luke Skywalker (or Anakin, if you decide to believe that the Star Wars prequels exist), Neo, Harry Potter, and John Connor are just the ones I can rattle off the top of my head. Sometimes it can really wear on the nerves when one character’s actions will affect an entire society, or even a world.

For instance, while I generally disagree with the massive hate over the Matrix sequels, one of the main reasons they were disliked is because after Neo got all his powers, he stopped being an underdog, and a normal guy in an abnormal world. If not written properly, the Chosen One can destroy a story and make the reader want to throw your book across the room. I hate to point fingers (usually), but the Fallen series by Thomas E. Sniegoski also had this problem: a bland, douchebag character who was “the Chosen One” and yet all he did was selfishly bitch and moan, neglect his duties, and get people in his life murdered. However, ATLA was a refreshing change from the tired stereotypes of the Chosen One.

First of all, Aang is freakin’ adorable and peppy and cheerful and wide-eyed and goofy. It’s so easy to like the kid. You’d have to actively try to hate him. His idealism is what makes him both strong and weak throughout his journey, especially his struggle to find a way to stop Firelord Ozai without killing him. The show laid bare all of Aang’s inner turmoil and expanded on everything he learned from his friends and his enemies. I think all writers should watch the show and takes notes, especially those who might consider writing a Chosen One character at some point in their careers.

Another important factor that ATLA got right was to PROVE why Aang was the Chosen One: for his skill, his love of the world and the people in it, and his ability to unite them. That can go haywire quickly. Anakin Skywalker via the Star Wars prequel had this problem in spades. Through all three movies, everyone kept talking about Anakin being the one to “balance” the Force, and yet we’re never shown why. He NEVER shows any great potential, other than the potential to whine incessantly, glower creepily at Padme, and throw temper tantrums that result in murdering lots of people. He had some Jedi skills, but not enough to warrant all that attention. ATLA avoided this and proved that there is a way to do it right.

Don’t be afraid to explore other cultures. Alright, lower your pitchforks. I’m not one of those writers who believes that white people are the devil. I am, however, realistic about what’s out there in the main media. When it comes to fantasy and science fiction genres, white characters are predominant. Often, it happens because there are just a ton of incredibly talented writers. Still, there is a stigma whispered about that ethnicities can’t bring home the bacon, and that’s just not true. ATLA integrated several different cultures—Chinese, Japanese, Hindu, Indian, Eskimo, and that’s the tip of the iceberg, hahaha I made a funny—and still knocked it out of the park without (a) being offensive or (b) compromising great storytelling. This is another aspect I think other writers should make a note of for the future. Culture is what makes the world go ‘round. At the end of the day, all writers end up talking about can boil down to how similar or different their characters are. There are beautiful and hideous things about every culture. We should explore them, and explore them without restraint. A character’s race should never be a deterrent. If it is well written, it can be enjoyed by a person of any background.

Women are awesome. I really don’t need to go on long about this one. ATLA has some of the best female characters of all time, bar none. I mean, Toph. Just…TOPH. If you somehow don’t worship the ground she earth-bends, then there’s always Katara, Suki, Azula, Mai, Ty Lee, Princess Yue, June, Avatar Kyoshi…I could go on for ages. ATLA knew how to write girls, and write them better than a hell of a lot of other shows. Mostly because Bryke knew that girls are the same as boys—they have emotions, thoughts, fears, desires, and everything that the male characters have. There were very few stereotypes to be had and every character had a purpose in the show. That, to me, is one of the greatest things that ATLA accomplished in its run.

Honestly, I could probably go on longer, but I have to stop worshipping at some point because my knees are tired. Seriously, though, if you haven’t checked it out, please do. It’s worth your time, believe me. I’m glad to have grown up with a show that believed that I could handle a great story and didn’t talk down to me. It’s something we should all have, no matter how old we are.

Kyoko