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Archives for : August2014

Dear DC Comics and Warner Bros Studios,

Hi. My name is Kyo. I’m a nerd. I’ve been a nerd since I could walk. And I really, really liked DC growing up, what with the DC animated TV shows and the original movies and then the Nolan films. You guys were pretty great.

But now I am literally contemplating boycotting all of your movies.

Why?

Take a peek at this little article.

This had better be a rumor. It had better be, because if it isn’t, you and I are done professionally.

There is something you two chuckleheads need to understand before I explain why this “no humor” method is completely wrong and why your approach to these heroes me and my friends and total nerdy random strangers have loved since we were in diapers is going to bankrupt you at the box office.

A few years back, a fellow named ItsJustSomeRandomGuy created a story arc called “Happy Hour,” in which the Joker injected all the heroes with nanites that controlled their brains and caused them to become dark and tormented like Batman. This arc was a deconstruction of the idea that all heroes need to be brooding in order to be successful. This arc was poignant and intelligent because it brought up the point that the Nolanverse Batman films were not box office record breaking movies just because Bruce Wayne is a tormented soul. The reason why we have dark heroes is so that they can be complimented against light-hearted heroes like Wonder Woman or Spider-Man or Captain Marvel (either one of them). If all our heroes in the DC universe had dead parents and psychological trauma, guess what? It would be boring. We wouldn’t have the excellent chemistry that we have in the Justice League. You need a Straight Man character only so that you can appreciate the Wacky Loon character. It’s just common sense to have personality differences–to have one character who is stoic and another who cracks jokes, so that way if the stoic character finally does loosen up and say something funny, it’s then hysterical considering their history.

What in God’s name makes you clowns think we want 100% serious DC superheroes?

Because I can tell you right now, if you do that, you’re going to be trailing behind Marvel for the rest of your lives.

And you might not even live that long.

I get it. Marvel is raking in the dough by the billions, and you want to make your films look unique. But guess what? Sucking all the joy out of the DC characters is NOT going to set you apart. It’s going to make us hate you. There is nothing worse than a film franchise that takes itself too seriously. A perfect example is Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. Do you know why that movie is doing terribly? Because unlike the first Sin City, it took itself seriously. The first Sin City is a riot. It’s littered with incredible one liners and cheesy effects and noir stereotypes and cliches, but it’s poking fun at itself the entire time. There are plenty of serious, gut-wrenching, soul-slaying moments in that movie, but they work because you can compare them against the hilarious scenes of violence, gore, and sex.

Your idea of making the heroes all serious is even stupider when you consider the fact that all three of the Nolan Batman films–you know, the ones that made you literal billions–are perfectly frosted with some of the funniest moments in superhero history. Batman Begins, for instance, is loaded with excellent humor. Remember when Bruce was trapped underneath a huge support beam and in danger of dying while his beautiful mansion burned to the ground around him…and Alfred had the nerve to insult him?

Alfred: What’s the point of all those push ups if you can’t lift a bloody log?!

Did you see the look on Bruce’s face? The disbelief that he’s fighting for his life and getting yelled for his trouble? That was hilarious.

Or remember the scene where the batmobile makes its incredible debut and the officers think the guy on the radio is nuts and then the batmobile pancakes their car and then this happens:

Cop: Well, what does it look like?!

Other Cop: It was a black…tank.

Or, what about the pinnacle of black comedy in The Dark Knight when the Joker “makes the pencil disappear”? That was the instant we all knew that Heath Ledger was going to knock this role right out of the park. To this day, I have never again heard an entire theater full of partially-horrified shocked laughter. It was unforgettable.

So what in the name of Maxie Zeus’ beard makes you think that you will meet any success by making all the DC films from Batman vs. Superman onward serious? That’s not what these characters are about. Yes, they all have serious moments, but that is not who they are.

Are you really going to look me in the eye and tell me that an alien from a planet of human look-alikes who was raised on a farm in Kansas and wears his fucking red underwear outside his tights is supposed to be 100% dead serious?

Or an intergalactic space cop trained by a giant, foul-mouthed alien pig creature isn’t supposed to have a sense of humor?

Honestly, did you ever pick up a DC comic book or graphic novel in your entire life? Obviously you didn’t or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

You are alienating the very people you are trying to attract with your pretentious nonsense notion that the only way to make it while competing against Marvel or any other summer blockbusters is to make all our heroes morose. Your job as filmmakers of the superhero genre is to accurately portray these heroes as we have come to know and love them through the comics. We don’t want your “artistic vision” or your preconceived notions of what you think people want to see. Take the comic book, pin it to your storyboard, and copy/paste. Hell, if you’re too lazy for that, go back and watch “The World’s Finest” episodes of Superman: The Animated Series. Superman is not serious. Batman is. It’s that easy. Yes, they have issues with each other, but guess what? They only hit each other ONE time in that entire hour and a half. They draw a line in the sand and then they go after the bad guys. It wasn’t called “Batman v. Superman” because they were never against each other. They disagreed with the other person’s methods and they each thought they could get the bad guys alone, but then they realized they were wrong. It should never be a versus thing. That is where you will fail, I guarantee it.

Honestly, I get now why Nolan bailed. These kinds of decisions show a remarkable lack of foresight and understanding into not only your own audience, but any audiences you hope to ever invite into your circle.

My final point is this: stop being so concerned with “competing” against Marvel or making yourself distinct from them and just make damn good movies. That’s literally the only thing you need to do to be successful. You don’t need to go to the complete opposite side of the spectrum and make boring, soulless heroes who never crack a smile and don’t believe in the people they are saving. That’s why Man of Steel was mediocre, and that’s why people don’t ever feel excited about anything you announce because you keep giving us this idea that our perceptions of our own heroes is wrong and you need to show us the “realistic” heroes you think we want. We don’t. I assure you we don’t.

Take a Xanax, read a comic book, and make some goddamn DC movies already.

Love,

An Angry Fangirl

She Who Fights Monsters Turns a Month Old!

SheWhoFightsMonsters_2front

They grow up so fast. *sniff*

Oh, look at our girl. Isn’t she pretty? Isn’t she looooooovelyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Ahem. Anyhow, in celebration of my second novel being out for a month, I’ve set it to be free on Amazon all day long. If you haven’t gotten yourself a copy, grab it here and spread the word. You can also get an advanced preview of The Holy Dark, Book #3 in the series, by sharing the following Facebook post.

Additionally, The Black Parade went permanently free today. Yes, you read that right. It’s free from now until the end of time. I would appreciate it greatly if you would spread the word.

Have a wonderful day, and stay tuned for more news on the series!

In Defense of Lucy (2014)

 

Lucy 2014 poster

Alright, time for me to get a little salty with ya, Internet.

I admit that Lucy is nowhere near a perfect film. It’s got its share of problems; the first of which is the flawed scientific myth it springs its concept from, and then we have the false advertising in the trailer that made it look like an awesome telekinetic bad ass getting revenge on the people who experimented on her, and then the ineffectual policeman and his men who honestly shouldn’t have even been in the movie for all the difference they made. Like I said, it ain’t perfect.

But I’m not getting all the vitriol, especially from male geeks and nerds. So let’s play devil’s advocate for a second.

Overall, I’d give Lucy a solid B if you put a gun to my head. I think it accomplished more than what I expected, and perhaps that’s part of why people are so torn over the movie. It set a certain late summer blockbuster movie expectation, but it sure as hell wasn’t a summer blockbuster film. I actually think Lucy would’ve done better as a November cerebral flick without being sandwiched between Guardians of the Galaxy or Transformers 4. It’s unlike any of Luc Besson’s previous films (that I’ve seen, mind you, because I am a bit rusty. I’ve only seen a handful of his movies), in terms of the budget and the exploration of so many topics in just an hour and a half.

The reason I defend Lucy is because I think it’s a breath of fresh air in today’s world of “shut up and watch this movie and don’t think.” I mean, Transformers 4 made just as much as its predecessors even though it’s literally the same damn movie copy/pasted twice, except he changed the cast members and made Optimus a grumpy S.O.B instead of the fatherly leader we’ve known and loved our whole lives (seriously, do you remember that quote from the third film? “You may lose your faith in us, but never in yourselves.” THAT is Optimus Prime. He’s not some bloodthirsty asshole, even after we treated him like crap. Ugh, go die in a fire, Michael Bay.) Lucy doesn’t subscribe to the “think less, watch more” mentality, in my opinion, and I’ll try to explain why.

First of all, the thing I liked most about Lucy is the lady herself. She starts out just this normal girl and then some asshole tosses her into the worst situation imaginable, through no fault of her own except just having really bad taste in men. I like that she wasn’t some tough, bad ass with one-liners. I like she was just your average woman. She reacted so appropriately to that horrifically tense scene in the office where they made her open the case and then forced her to be a drug mule. As an author, it’s important to establish your character early on, and we got a really good sense of her characteristics through that traumatic experience, especially when she was in the car and she was trying to hold it together muttering about time just after Samuel’s lecture. That was brilliant done. Most people make the mistake of thinking that the only way to have a successful heroine is to make her a bad ass, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. There are plenty of non-action women who are just as important, layered, and interesting without starting off awesome. Furthermore, it’s such a great development to see her so scared and desperate to live through that horror and then transcend into this incredible goddess by the end of the film. I actually like the twist that Lucy wasn’t about a telekinetic demi-god running around beating up her former captors. I like that she started falling apart after a certain point in her transformation, and that her main goal was to buy time to stay alive so she could figure out what to do with her newly acquired knowledge. That is incredibly ambitious for a character in such a short movie, and I think it worked. I especially liked the ending line about “now you know what to do with it.” It’s a good nugget of wisdom, passing on knowledge to those behind us in order to improve their lives.

Second of all, I really like that she didn’t have a love interest (I don’t think the cop counts, hell, even he didn’t know why he was there, he said it to her at one point) and that the only male influences in the film were the a-holes who made her a drug mule and Samuel, who offered her advice on what to do with her new abilities. This is Lucy’s story. No one butted in. No one took control of the narrative from her. I didn’t get a nasty sense of misogyny like I have with stories like City of Bones, or even something as bad as True Blood where the writers want you to THINK the main female is independent when in reality, men control everything else around her. Lucy wasn’t a Faux Action Girl. She didn’t need anybody, even though you could tell they were trying to make it seem like she needed the cop, but that’s just poor writing. Female-centric stories are rare. It’s also why I fell in love with Maleficent. She was her own character. Sure, men had a HUGE influence on where her story went, but it was all about her actions, her love, her fear, her anger, and her motivations, not theirs. Lucy is the same, in my eyes. I felt a large amount of affection for Sam gently guiding her and not trying to exploit her in any way, because we all know that would’ve happened if she’d gone to an American laboratory. They’d have tried to kill her and cut her open to see if they could replicate what happened to her, much like how Bruce Banner was treated in The Incredible Hulk. To me, it was so cool to see them just stepping back in awe of such an incredible amount of power.

Third of all, I also liked that Lucy didn’t go full-tilt evil. Power corrupts. Lucy lost her sense of humanity, but I don’t think she lost every bit of herself by the end of the film. A lot of other writers might’ve made her the bad guy, like the disillusioned morons who wrote Transcendence, and I’m so glad they didn’t try to villainize intelligence in this film. Yes, it can be used for evil, but knowledge is the most valuable thing in the world when you consider the factor of time and what we will or could leave behind after we die. The film understood such a complex subject and gave us things to think about instead of trying to jam a message down our throats like Transcendence. I like that Lucy became ambiguous in terms of right and wrong, but she still clearly had some regard for human life or she would’ve just slaughtered all the men chasing after her. (Though, honestly, that did get on my nerves. I’d have just killed them. No sense in wasting time, but the screenwriters needed a final scene with conflict, so whatever.)

Lastly, I also appreciate that this is one of the few pro-knowledge films that didn’t feel the need to insult religion. No one spits on Christianity or Catholicism or any of the major worldwide religions. Thank you. I know the atheist crowd doesn’t care, but seriously, it’s a relief that they didn’t get up on a soapbox and preach about how science is the only way and people who believe are just ignorant jerks. It showed the Big Bang and evolution and everything, and that’s totally fine and factual, and just left religion out of the mix. It fit the tone and it was just plain polite of the filmmakers not to pick a fight for once.

I understand if people disagree with the direction the film decided to go in as opposed to how it was marketed, but I really think we have a hidden gem here that many people are overlooking. I’d say calm down and give it another watch when it hits the Redbox sometime. I mean, you had some incredible acting on Johansson’s behalf, a killer soundtrack, some stunning visuals that we haven’t seen from Luc Besson since his masterpiece The Fifth Element, a fully characterized and independent female protagonist, some diverse locations, and a straightforward plot. I’m not saying that it doesn’t have plotholes and long tangents, but I do think it was a unique experience for the 2014 movie year. I mean, come on. You can accept a mutated talking raccoon, but you can’t accept a lady with telekinesis? Don’t be that guy. Give her a chance. She may surprise you.

Hindsight is 20/20: My First Year in Self-Publishing

Homer Simpson on Publishing

You said it, Homer.

“What’s it like to be a self-published author?”

Boy, that’s a loaded question if I ever saw one. Someone on KBoards asked a similar question, “What was your first year of publication like?” and I answered with the following .gif:

Whiny Kuzco

I’d say that’s probably the most accurate account for most self-published authors who went into the publishing and writing industry as blindly as I did. They say that life is a rat race. Self-publishing is a rat race where every wrong turn means you get electrocuted and when you do find a scrap of cheese, you have to fight all the other rats in a switch blade match to the death. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close enough.

I suppose most of these types of posts always begin with the author bragging about the number of books they’ve sold. I can’t really do that. There’s not much to brag about. I’m not making it rain on hookers and blow. I’ve only actually been making a profit off my work since April, and even then, it’s only been enough to buy me dinner every once in a while. But for the sake of advice, let me give you some estimated numbers via BookTrackr for all three of my books, which includes two novels and a short story collection.

Copies Sold: 653

Free Copies Sold: 4,978

Reviews: 58

Books Borrowed/Lent: 25

Money Earned Since 1st Publication Date: $383

See? Nothing to brag about here. I hate seeing blog posts where the author goes on and on about the thousands of readers they have and all the money they’ve made like it’s the most boring, regular thing in the world. Millionaire bestselling Richard Castle-esque authors are NOT the norm. Most of us struggle and struggle hard with getting anywhere within a year of publication. But that’s not what the mass media wants to tell you. That’s not what Writer’s Digest wants to tell you. That’s not what millions of authors on Twitter want to tell you. They want you to believe we’re all J.K. Rowling and it’s easy as pie to poop out a bestselling series and walk on water with your fancy hair blowing in the wind because you are an author in the modern world.

 

 

I’ve had to claw and scratch for literally every single copy I’ve sold of any of my three books. I’ve invested what a very unimpressed H&R Block accountant estimated to be nearly $800 in creating, writing, marketing, and advertising my novels, all for a paltry $383, some of which has yet to be paid to me since Amazon only pays you at the end of every month.  I’ve asked every available source I could get for help, and I’m still failing to make sales and gain readers. This is the ugly, seedy part of the business that no one wants to talk about because it sucks. Being a self-published author sucks. Don’t let anyone convince you of otherwise. You are a lone wolf, zipping through the forest trying to find your next meal because them rabbit suckers are fast and you have more than enough competition. Actually, now that I think about it, self-publishing is basically the equivalent of being Wile E. Coyote.

That being said, it’s also pretty great sometimes.

For example, one of the things they don’t tell you is that it actually doesn’t take a hell of a lot to be able to use the title “Amazon Bestselling Author.” If you choose your category carefully, market to just the right people, and get a little support on your various social media, you can actually make it to the Top 100 Amazon in only a couple hundred free sales. It’s a permanent status bump. You can advertise it on anything you wish. Make a coffee mug. Rent a giant billboard and plaster it on there. Run out into the streets and spin your arms like Maria and shout it to random strangers until the cops come. I fully admit that I have a couple dozen screenshots of my books in the Top 10 Amazon Bestselling Novel categories because it is one of those rewards that has nothing to do with money and is just for me. Because, for me, it’s not about that. It’s about something that I care deeply about being put into the hands of readers. That’s my only goal. I want to connect with people.

If you’ve read this far into the blog post, you can gather that I’m pretty awkward. I don’t know how to talk to people or explain things without using nerdy references or weird comparisons. But the one thing I can do—the one thing I was put on this earth to do correctly—is write stories. Even though this career path sucks, I am still doing what I love every day: telling stories. Sure, not everyone cares, and not everyone will like my stories, but I am still moving inch by crawling inch towards that end goal of being discovered by the many readers of the world. I squealed like a little girl when I saw that a handful of people in the UK have bought my books.  I still bounce up and down on my bed when I get the very rare kind, detailed review. I take a shameful selfie with the paperback copies of my novel when they finally arrive, fresh off the printing press. I dollop copious amounts of affection on anyone kind enough to talk to me on Twitter about anything even vaguely related to writing.

Overall, I’d have to say self-publishing is the best worst thing I’ve ever done.

And so, with that in mind, here’s what I’ve learned so far:

-Don’t bother with Facebook ads. They are a money pit and a waste of time.

-KBoards is the kingdom of heaven in terms of advice on self-published marketing.

-Social media is a time-suck and should be used sparingly.

-Goodreads is a great place to meet readers and help build, organize, and grow your own library as well as helping you slip into other people’s libraries.

-Bookbub is just as much a gatekeeper as literary agents in the traditional publishing world.

-There is no answer to the “self-publishing vs. traditional publishing” debate. We’re in this together. Don’t fight. Just discuss your differences and try not to step on each other’s toes.

-Amazon is awesome, but it’s like a giant Great Dane in a field of puppies. Snuggle up against it for warmth, but make sure you have an evacuation plan in case it goes rogue.

-Go with your instincts, but also realize that you’re going to be wrong a lot. Listen to other people who know more than you, and obey whenever possible if you think they’re right. Chances are, it’ll help you more than you will ever know.

-Always be gracious to anyone who takes the time out to speak to you, offer perspective, or shows interest in your work. Word may spread and benefit you in the future.

-Blog tours are useful for SEO links to your book, and not much else.

-Mailing lists apparently only work if you are Jesus.

-Book covers are hard to find and expensive to get, but the right ones are worth their weight in gold.

-Editing is the Britta of the writing process, but you have to deal with it anyway.

-Readers are fickle and unpredictable and there is nothing you can do about it. You can write shit or a masterpiece and they will never agree as to which one your book actually is.

-Your extended family is never going to care about your work like you do. They can’t, unless they are writers themselves. Don’t be offended. Just accept it and move on.

-Chuck Wendig was right. It takes as long as it takes to make it. Don’t compare your lack of success to other authors’ success, even though it’s tempting.

-Write your butt off. And then keep writing.

I leave you with the ever-inspiring words of Yoko Kanno. Here’s to another year of self-publishing. I’m going to make it if it kills me. Just gotta knock a little harder next time.

-Kyoko M.